Please help if you can. My soon to be husband has 4 kids from a 20 year marriage. We have been together for 4 months and decide to get married in 6 months. This will the second marriage for the both of us. The 4 kids are 18 (boy) ,16 (boy) ,13(girl) ,10(boy). They live with the ex-wife they are very religous(jehovah's witness and I'm Catholic). My fiancee and I live together expect every-other weekend. When I give up my house and live in a hotel so the 4 kids can stay there. His ex does not approve of the kids meeting me. We are getting married "come hell or high water" How can we handle the ex ? Also I would like to know if there is something I can do to help the kids adjust? I have no kids and really haven't been around very many. This is very new to me but I will do anything for my soon to be husband.
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Speaking of "hell or high water", you may just be in for a little of both. I would strongly encourage you to take some pre-remarriage or blended family preparation classes before entering into the marriage. The degree to which you are prepared for this will in large part determine the degree to which you will succeed. However, you also have other forces at work here that are not in favor of your union and these cannot be underestimated.
There is far too much to be covered in the scope of this column, in terms of general preparedness for entering into a blended family partnership. One thing you noted which is you haven't had a lot of experience with children so it is good that you can see that it would be wise to learn as much before hand as possible so I congratulate you on the foresight of knowing how important that is.
As far as tyring to prepare you for all of the nuances of this, ie. how to handle ex-spouses, how to build relationships with your stepchildren, it would be impossible even to scratch the surface in this forum. These are areas I take anywhere from a full day to 10 sessions to cover in couple re-marriage or coaching classes, so my best advice to you is to research into where you might attend such a workshop or seek out professional coaching tailored to your specific situation, in order to prepare for your new life. For some additional resources you can check out my website at www.stepinstitute.ca
Best of luck and keep on keeping your eyes wide open about the situation and the challenges. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
Jill
Psychotherapist: Second Weddings & Stepfamilies
What immediately comes to mind is the speed of everything.... there is so much to 'digest' and I think you as a couple need to talk with someone trained in family matters to help you with the many issues you face. It will be well worth the effort to take the time now to untangle some of the many feelings around with so many people involved. Jill Curtis Psychotherapist, Author How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) London, UK http://www.familyonwards.com
His 4 Kids
