How should we tell his kids we are engaged - together or separate?
Hi there!
My fiancee has two daughters (ages 10 and 13) and we need to tell them the good news of our recent engagement. How should we best deliver the news? Together or should he tell them without me?
I have two thoughts on this - 1) That perhaps he should tell them without me, so that they feel they can ask questions without my presence or 2) tell them together to show a united front.
What do you think?
Many Thanks!
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Apr 25, 2006, 2:26 PM
Post #2 of 2
(993 views)
Re: [2006bride2b] How should we tell his kids we are engaged - together or separate?
[In reply to]
The answer to this probably hinges somewhat on the type of relationship you have with the two of them. They are both old enough to be fairly aware of what is going on and probably won't even be surprised by this. If you have an open relationship with them the answer is simple - they'll have no difficulty with the two of you talking with them and they in turn can ask questions while you're there.
Everyone handles this differently. Sometimes biological parents give their kids a "heads up" before they even make a final decision to get remarried, just to prepare them a little and also get their feedback and answer any questions they may have beforehand. I'm not sure if you're partner has done any of this. Without knowing a lot of the details, I think you can't go terribly wrong by telling them together and then letting them know that if they have questions or want to talk with either one of you separately about things, that you are both there and open to talk with them together or individually. This will give them the opportunity to speak just with their Dad if they need to, about certain things.
The message is probably the more important thing. Let them know that you want to all be a family together and that you also want them to be included in the plans and the wedding. This goes a long way toward easing some of their concerns that they are going to be left out. Also let them know that you know this is a big step for them and that if they have some mixed feelings about your decision or need some time to adjust to everything, that that is okay and that they can take the time they need. We shouldn't force kids into feeling a certain way about things but allow them to have their thoughts and feelings and feel free to share with you what is on their mind. This acceptance of them and permission for them to be themselves will help them to trust you and also be the foundation on which you can build your new relationships as stepmother and stepdaughteres.
Be aware, that girls often have the most difficulty with their fathers remarrying because they are so afraid of losing their daddy to someone else. They may react negatively and may also wait until later to openly share some of their feelings about this, but remember that these are not personal attacks on you, just fears they have and sometimes it is related to the pain of losing their first family and their dream of the way they wanted things to be. Focus on the relationships and take the time to get to know each other which will pave the way for more successes as you create and nurture your new family.
Best of Luck!! Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
How should we tell his kids we are engaged - together or separate?
