Help! I am absolutely at a loss on what to do. My fiance and I both agree that we want a private wedding. No family, friends, nobody. We want to have a destination wedding alone and then come home and have a reception. My mother is having the hardest time accepting this and now I don't know what to do. We each have children and our wedding is planned during a school break. His ex-wife will take care of his children but my mother will be watching my daughter. Her father is not very involved. However, every time I talk to my mother, she gives me the guilt trip of giving birth to me and now she can't even see me get married. (Even if it is the second time!) I want to just scream b/c this is supposed to be our special day but now I'm getting guilt trips b/c my family feels like I should include them! I plan on having a reception but sometimes I don't even want that. I just want to get married my own way without the attitudes of those who wish to plan my wedding for me. My fiance and I are simple and wish to keep things stress free. We have four children! This is a break for us.
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Dec 17, 2008, 10:26 AM)
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Of course this is your choice and it sounds like you and your fiance are on the same page. There's no simple way of getting other people to like it or accept it. It comes down to choosing what is most important for you and being able to accept the downside of your decision. Your mother and family may give you a hard time for awhile, or longer and you simply have to decide if this is something you can live with or if they will make life so unbearable that you would rather give up on doing the wedding your way. I doubt this is the decision you will come to, but simply decide what you both want to do, ask them to respect your choice - they may or may not but that is their choice and then carry on. If this gets complicated with your mother being the one to care for your daughter while you're away, perhaps there is friend that can take care of her. But hopefully it won't get to that point.
When we feel anger or guilt because someone is trying to get us to do things their way, this can create the ongoing problems. Don't be angry with your mother for wanting what she wants, but don't also allow it to define your reality because that would probably end up causing more resentment. WHile she things there's still a chance you might change your mind, she may keep the pressure on. When you make it clear what your choice is, she may be unhappy for awhile, but will probably come around when she sees how happy you are. Life has a way of taking care of some of these things even though it seems hard now.
Plan for a special reception and ask her to help you with that so she feels part of it. Perhaps you could even repeat your vows for everyone at the reception. Let your mother know you understand her disappointment but that you are going to make the decision that fits best for you and your new family.
Best of Luck! Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
Thank you for your response! We have a very special wedding planned for the two of us and we can either have it private or with a small amount of people. We want this to be a bonding moment for the two of us b/c we are constantly surrounded by people and rarely get the chance to do something for just the two of us. Thanks again!
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
You are most welcome. I think you will be very glad you took this time for yourselves as life will be filled with a lot of children and family responsibilities from this point on. Just make sure to keep your relationship a priority and take time for it, even when you do return and your swamped with detials and things to do. Enjoy a wonderful wedding. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
I'm laughing to myself right now because I thought of that same thing. I still plan to videotape it. My mother's response however when I suggested this was, "Oh sure, videotape it. I'll be reminded of the wedding I wasn't allowed to attend. It's totally the same as actually being there!" I know she's being selfish right now and I'm trying to be understanding. I know that I'm being selfish also, but I consider mine to be a "healthy" selfishness. My mother can't always be there to witness everything spectacular in my life!
As a mother myself, I understand her desire to be there to witness you two exchanging your vows. (I don't agree with the way she's expressing it though) Perhaps you can explain why you're doing it this way and acknowledge her feelings too. It may go a long way to helping her understand you and to know that you understand her as well.
But, as a widow who is engaged now, I also understand your need for privacy and time alone. These are choices only you can make. But, hopefully your mom will appreciate seeing the video later on. Just tell her she witnessed the first one. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Private 2nd wedding
