My step daughter is 32 years old. She has been married before. Her first marriage she and her husband eloped. They already had an eight month old child. The marriage lasted about ten years, and during that time another child was born. She now is planning to marry a wonderful man, and we are pleased that she is getting married to him. They however, already have a child that was planned, and bought their own home together. She feels that she would like a big wedding with all the amenities (approximately $10 - $15,000) this time around. She knows how we feel about the fact that they live together and already have a child. I guess we are old fashioned, but we don't feel obligated to pay for a big wedding for her, especially for a second marriage. We did offer to give her $1,000 towards the wedding. When we told her that, she was furious. She feels we owe her the big wedding that she never had. It has caused some very hard feelings in our family, and we don't know what to do about it. My husband is so upset at the way she yelled at him and that our $1,000 isn't enough in her mind that his blood pressure is sky high, and I am truly worried about his health. Any suggestions on how to handle this touchy situation?
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
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Jul 15, 2007, 5:34 PM
Post #2 of 11
(1935 views)
Re: [galfromcal] Second Marriage Problems
[In reply to]
Oh dear - another chapter in the entitled child grows up. I don't think it's too late to get her into her place, though.
For your husband's sake try to keep emotions low. Send her an etiquette book or a link to our website. Parents are no longer obligated to pay for any weddings, let alone a second wedding. Explain this to your husband so he can feel justified in telling her that she can either graciously accept your generous gift, or not, but that you cannot (will not) host a wedding for her under these circumstances. If she wants a wedding, she'll have to host one for herself. After all, she is an adult with children. She is not entitled to anything you and your husband have worked for.
I'm on board with you (you can call me old fashioned as well - and proud of it) if by old fashioned you mean we have values. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Jul 15, 2007, 9:07 PM
Post #3 of 11
(1930 views)
Re: [galfromcal] Second Marriage Problems
[In reply to]
Here, here. I am also on board. You are definitely not obligated. But, she is obligated to grow up. After all, she has children of her own and need to be the adult.
I sincerely hope all of this is sorted out before any health issues become more of a worry.
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Jul 16, 2007, 9:08 AM
Post #4 of 11
(1916 views)
Re: [galfromcal] Second Marriage Problems
[In reply to]
I will just say that I agree also with what's been said. It's unfortunate, but for some reason, she had obviously assumed that you were going to pay for much of the wedding, without this being discussed and agreed upon. This is clearly a sense of entitlement unless there is a family history of other children's weddings being paid for or significant contributions being made? You are obviously on good grounds not to assume responsibility for the expenses if that is your choice. Especially as she is an adult with children of her own and clearly financially independent enought to purchase a home. If you made your decision based on the fact that you disapproved of them living together before marriage and would have contributed otherwise, and this was not understood by her, it may explain some of her disappointment and upset, but it in no way legitimizes her behavior and reaction towards her father and you. It's your money and your decision. Perhaps if you, or someone who is close to her who she is likely to listen to, can speak to her individually and explain the toll that this is taking on your husband's health, it may help to bring the whole thing into perspective for her a bit more. I truly hope so. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
galfromcal
Jul 16, 2007, 11:50 AM
Post #5 of 11
(1908 views)
Re: [yvonne"instep"] Second Marriage Problems
[In reply to]
Thank you all for your expertise on the matter. Clearly, it is not my area. My husband did explain to his daughter that we would discuss it, and that if she had intended to have a expensive, fully catered wedding with sit-down dinner ($40 per plate), full open bar, etc., he would not be able to pay for it. That is when we came to the conclusion that $1,000 would be all we could contribute. You mentioned other siblings weddings, and yes, we did host a wedding for her younger sister a few years ago, and she was in a similar position. She also had a child with this man, and had estblished a home with him prior to the wedding. It was however, her first wedding, and we had a small backyard wedding for her, that was within our budget. Her mother purchased her wedding gown, her step father did the photography, we cooked the food ourselves, and a few close relatives helped with food, and we paid for the rest. The total cost to us was about $2,000. We were willing to do the same for her, but she insisted on a big wedding. I appreciate any advice you can give. It just kills my husband that hard feelings have been established. But, it also upsets him that she feels so entitled, and that our offer would anger her so.
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Jul 16, 2007, 2:06 PM
Post #6 of 11
(1896 views)
Re: [galfromcal] Second Marriage Problems
[In reply to]
The only other thing to add here is that in the interests of equality with her younger sister, and if you offered to host a backyard wedding at a cost of $2,000 (which she declined) you could offer her the $2,000 in cash instead of the $1,000 if you think this is also contributing to the issues. But again, it's entirely up to you and your husband and more importantly, I would reiterate the importance of someone speaking to her who she may listen to, and highlighting for her that this issue has the potential of really being harmful to her Dad's health if it isn't resolved at some level.
Best of Luck! Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
galfromcal
Jul 17, 2007, 10:55 AM
Post #7 of 11
(1873 views)
Re: [yvonne"instep"] Second Marriage Problems
[In reply to]
Again, I thank you for your knowledge and background on this issue. It truly is weighing heavy on our hearts and continues to occupy our minds. We discussed your comments, and in an attempt to save hard feelings (hopefully), we will offer my husband's daughter $2000, which would be equivalent to what was spent on her sister's wedding. I don't think she has any idea what the dollar amount spent on her sister's wedding was, I think she just expects us to pay for half of her wedding, and for her mother to pay the other half. I think what truly held us back was the fact that it is her second marriage. We paid for our own second wedding, and wouldn't have considered asking our parents to contribute anything but their love and approval. We felt that we were adults, we were on our own, and it would be inappropriate to consider it. We will also consider your advise to have someone who she respects discuss this with her. Her father said he may write her a letter along with the money, since emotions are high, and I'm not sure the $2000 is going to satisfy her. We truly are afraid she will still be angry. I don't feel it is my place to discuss it with her, although I feel that we have maintained a great relationship. My husbands health is what is most important to me, and if it costs another $1000 to keep the situation at bay, then it is money well spent. Thank you for your input in helping us to make this important decision. Who would ever think having adult children could cause such turmoil at this time in our lives? Whew!
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
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Jul 17, 2007, 6:43 PM
Post #8 of 11
(1850 views)
Re: [galfromcal] Second Marriage Problems
[In reply to]
...and when will it all end then? Will she expect you to host a baby shower - pay for her children's college tuition? I understand that your husband's health is important but I honestly fail to see how giving her more money will remedy the situation. Perhaps your husband would have less stress if her were able to free himself from his unfounded guilt, held his ground and told his daughter what she needs to hear. What she really needs is for someone to parent her, even at her age. She obviously is missing that. Tell her you're offering a very generous gift. If she wants it, great. It's time she acts her age and takes some responsibility for her actions. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Jul 18, 2007, 11:22 AM
Post #9 of 11
(1837 views)
Re: [galfromcal] Second Marriage Problems
[In reply to]
I completely agree.
You know, there is nothing wrong with allowing her to be angry. It is an emotion and if she wishes to feel that way, it is hers to own. But, there is nothing you or your husband owe her except your love.
And, you are correct. This is her second wedding. Parents are not obligated to pay for the first and certainly shouldn't be expected to pay for the second.
Please try not to feel guilty. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
galfromcal
Jul 19, 2007, 12:55 AM
Post #10 of 11
(1815 views)
Re: [TWQadmin] Second Marriage Problems
[In reply to]
You're absolutely right. I feel like a ping pong ball right now! We will have to rethink our plan. I felt we were making a generous offer in the beginning, in fact, when she called to express her anger to her dad, in the back of my mind I was thinking "maybe she's calling to thank us". Fat chance, huh? You give me renewed faith in our initial plan. The wedding is October 20th, so we have some time to work things out. Her dad is a kind and loving man, and this isn't the first time she's hurt him (which you're probably not surprised to hear). Sometimes, we as parents need a good swift kick in the pants, huh? I'll let you know what we decide.
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Jul 19, 2007, 9:27 AM
Post #11 of 11
(1809 views)
Re: [galfromcal] Second Marriage Problems
[In reply to]
Many parents, especially divorced and single parents (I was widowed and raised two children alone for 18 years so I know from experience), feel the need for their children to like them. But, what they really need are parents. It's much easier to just do what the children want to keep the peace. But, as you can see, it's not the best because then it never ends. Encourage your husband to be a parent. It's the best for him, and his daughter, and it might not be too late.
Good luck... Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Second Marriage Problems
My step daughter is 32 years old. She has been married before. Her first marriage she and her husband eloped. They already had an eight month old child. The marriage lasted about ten years, and during that time another child was born. She now is planning to marry a wonderful man, and we are pleased that she is getting married to him. They however, already have a child that was planned, and bought their own home together. She feels that she would like a big wedding with all the amenities (approximately $10 - $15,000) this time around. She knows how we feel about the fact that they live together and already have a child. I guess we are old fashioned, but we don't feel obligated to pay for a big wedding for her, especially for a second marriage. We did offer to give her $1,000 towards the wedding. When we told her that, she was furious. She feels we owe her the big wedding that she never had. It has caused some very hard feelings in our family, and we don't know what to do about it. My husband is so upset at the way she yelled at him and that our $1,000 isn't enough in her mind that his blood pressure is sky high, and I am truly worried about his health. Any suggestions on how to handle this touchy situation? 
