Second marriage for both - small ceremony - how much notice to his girls?
My fiance and I are getting married August 1. This will be a second marriage for both of us. He has two girls from his first marriage - ages 11 and 14. I have none. We both would like to have a small, simple beach wedding, and somehow incorporate the girls in the ceremony (unity candle, etc.)
He would like to keep the engagement and wedding secret at this point (not telling any friends or family yet) since we have only dated a few months and he feels that it is too soon to announce the engagement to his daughters. (His thinking is that if we tell friends, then word will get back around to his girls.) He would like to keep the wedding plans quiet until the four of us leave for the week's vacation at the beach, and tell the girls then.
After researching online about how to involve the girls in the ceremony, I am seeing a lot of advice recommending including children in the planning process. So now I have a question:
1) Should we tell the girls before we go on vacation - maybe not today, but in a few months so that they can feel a part of the planning and decision-making too?
Any thoughts? August 1 is rapidly approaching!
Thanks!
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Mar 27, 2006, 8:52 PM
Post #2 of 3
(1261 views)
Re: [2006bride2b] Second marriage for both - small ceremony - how much notice to his girls?
[In reply to]
Telling them in advance is good for at least a couple of reasons. Including them in the planning will send a message to them that they are important and that this wedding is about all of you becoming a family, which I believe is the message you both are wanting to convey. It allows them to participate and to know that you both value their input and involvement, and that this new life you are both creating involves them in every way that is important.
Secondly, and perhaps even more importantly, surprising them with the news of this event right before it is to happen, could really backfire on you. They are not little children that will be so fixated on being at the beach that the wedding will just be another perk. They are young people and they need and deserve some time to adjust to the idea that their dad is remarrying. Even if they fully accept and are enthusiastic now about your relationship, once things become serious, many children have some difficulty accepting it, atleast initially. They need some time to simply let the news sink in, to ask questions if they have any, to talk with both of you, and to adjust to the new reality. If you were to leave this to the last minute and "surprise" them they may feel that they had been deceived. They are old enough that they should be informed of major decisions like this ahead of time and allowed the time they need to adjust. If they don't get this, they may reject the idea or resent the fact that you kept this from them. There are only 4 months until you plan to marry so I would suggest letting them know sooner than later.
Best of Luck! Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
2006bride2b
Apr 6, 2006, 7:47 PM
Post #3 of 3
(1146 views)
Re: [2006bride2b] Second marriage for both - small ceremony - how much notice to his girls?
[In reply to]
Thanks for the advice - I received the same from my Mom & girl friends. So, I spoke with my finance about telling his girls sooner, and he agrees. We will be involving them soon! Many thanks!
Second marriage for both - small ceremony - how much notice to his girls?
