I just turned 27 today and I'm planning a wedding for September. This will be my 2nd wedding but my fiancee's 1st. The problem lies with my mother!! My fiancee's parents are throwing an engagement party for us in March due to the fact that my parents lost their home in Hurricane Katrina. All this is fine with my mother. My fiancee's side wants to throw a shower and my mother thinks it's inappropriate. She feels it's rude to ask my side of the family to a shower and expect them to bring gifts. She says it's embarrassing. She also feels that on the wedding invitation I should state, " NO GIFTS." What do I do? I don't need a shower nor do I expect one but considering this is my fiancee's first wedding, his family wants to do all of these things!! His mom said, I need to register for gifts but I am... well I don't know exactly! Of course I wouldn't register for china or silverware... but do I register for other things and if so what? (We are building a new house, and as his mom said, " we are starting our life together.")
Also, my first wedding was in a church and and had a big reception and on and on. This wedding will be completely different. I am having it outside on our farm by the lake with a big band and catered dinner. My mom, once again, doesn't think it should be a big deal and feels embarrassed about asking people to come. I am excited about this wedding, because I am marrying my 1st grade sweetheart!! Everytime I get excited about something, it gets shot down by my mom. She has told me numerous times to check the second wedding etiquette! It has caused much friction! I have even gone to the extent of asking her to stand as my matron of honor!! What's wrong with this picture?
Do I tell my fiancee's family not to throw a shower?, Do I put "No GIFTS" on the wedding invitation?, Do I go register and if so, for what? What do I tell my mom without hurting her feelings because she does take everything I tell her personal. Please help! Thanks!
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Jan 11, 2006, 4:18 PM)
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Jan 11, 2006, 7:11 PM
Post #2 of 5
(2131 views)
Re: [jenn504] Showers and gifts for a second wedding?
[In reply to]
Dear Mother Problems,
I believe the real problem here is that your mother is still thinking that society considers a divorcee an embarrassment. It used to be embarrassing for a woman to get a divorce and a second wedding was a quiet affair.
Not today! You can have the wedding you want. Your plans are fine. You may have a shower hosting in your name. You may register for anything you wish.
Those who attended your first wedding and wedding shower are not expected to give you a gift this time around. Most will.
I see some problems with a bit of the etiquette being used though. Family doesn't host a bridal shower. So, your fiance's family shouldn't host one and neither should yours. Friends and attendants are typically the ones who host.
You mother's suggestion with writing, "no gifts" on your wedding invitation is not appropriate. We never mention gifts on these. Guests decide for themselves to give or no.
Perhaps you could suggest to your mother to study today's wedding etiquette. :)
There are many pages your mother might find helpful - especially since she suggested to "read the second wedding etiquette!"
Congratulations on finding love again. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
jenn504
Jan 11, 2006, 11:36 PM
Post #4 of 5
(2123 views)
Re: [Et.byRebecca] Showers and gifts for a second wedding?
[In reply to]
Dear Mrs. Black,
Thanks so much for your helpful response. I just had one more question, atleast for now. You mentioned something on the lines of my fiancee's family not hosting a bridal shower which I understand completely. But should they not host the engagement party either because that's what his parents are wanting to do. Do you consider the engagement party the same as the bridal shower? His mom wants to throw the engagement party because she says there are so many more people in the family that haven't met me. Being that I was married before I don't have many people to invite because all were invited to the first. Anyway, thanks again for your helpful response.
Jennifer
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Jan 12, 2006, 9:45 AM
Post #5 of 5
(2119 views)
Re: [jenn504] Showers and gifts for a second wedding?
[In reply to]
Not to worry, Jennifer. Anyone can host your engagement party. It is not considered a gift giving event, even though some may give a gift. Anyone can be invited. However, all of these would have to be invited to the wedding.
Showers and gifts for a second wedding?
