My future husband and I are planning our wedding and are very excited about it except for one thing...actually one person. His ex-wife. Ever since she found out that he was going to get remarried, she has been trying to interfere in his life and my life to the point to where he has considered trying to get a restraining order. Because we live in such a small community, we have tried to avoid doing that as it could possibly heighten the problems even more and instead we have tried to just remain as detached from her as possible, hoping she would get tired of it eventually. I am very concerned that we will have an uninvited guest at our wedding and that she will somehow succeed in messing up a day that we will have put so much time and effort into planning for over a year. Any help or suggestions as to how to best handle this would be very much appreciated. Thank you.
He has two adult sons, so there are no children to think about here. Her behavior has thus far consisted of trying to turn his sons against me and against him by making up stories about both of us, showing up at any and all group get-togethers where she knows we will be present (disturbing others as well and us), bad-mouthing me to others, and well, the list goes on. She has even gone so far as to break social commitments that I have made by saying that I asked her to do it for me as a favor! I do not think anyone is falling for that any more, thank goodness. Oh, one last thing...very important...my fiance is an ordained minister and therefore she is nearly succeeding in throwing the church into utter chaos. (Of course, she is at EVERY church function and service.) Well, that is pretty much it. Thank you so much for your replies,
A few thoughts come to mind which may be helpful for you to consider.
My sense is that a woman behaving in this manner is acting out as a way to get attention, to express herself, and to somehow deal with a tremendous amount of pain, anger, loss, and helplessness that happen when one spouse moves on and another is still attached.
Is there anyone in your small community who could be of assistance to her? Does your fiance have someone that he answers to in the church who could be of service? My sense is that she needs to be heard and truly understood by someone, so that she can begin to move on.
As long as she is treated like the "evil-doer", you're going to get a whole lot more of her doings. What may be helpful is to embrace her, to honor her, and to acknowledge her in such a way that she has nothing to push against, nothing to fight, and nothing to gain attention from. She's getting a need met by her current behaviors. If that need is no longer met, she may stop. It's a tough call when someone goes to such extremes, though. There may be something else at play here that you cannot change or influence, no matter what you say or do.
When you find yourself wanting to make her wrong for who she is and what she is doing, know that she's winning. The more time, energy and attention you put in her direction, the more she has gotten to you -- which seems to be her goal.
So, you may want to play with something completely different. Instead of dreading her behaviors -- what would it be like to actually look forward to them? Perhaps you and your fiance could create a "honeymoon" fund and every time she shows up or does something that USED to get to you, you get to put some agreed-to dollar amount in your fund. That way, every time she pulls a stunt, you benefit, and she's actually contributing to the launch of your new life together.
There's a saying that "what you resist will persist". By choosing to accept the reality and actually embrace it in your life, you'll get a whole lot more peace and joy, and what she says or does won't matter nearly so much.
Wishing you many blessings. Emily Bouchard, MSSW, Life Coach, Speaker, and Trainer
It sounds to me like she has some real issues to work out. I think you need to come up with some coping mechanisms to deal with it because it is going to be very difficult for you to modify her behavior. She has to want to modify her behavior and I bet she does not want to do that. I am sure people are starting to see her for who she is. You did say her trick of telling people your events have been cancelled is no longer working. The more she continues the more she is going to lose the respect of the people around. As far as showing up at the wedding --- make it real clear to her before hand that it is invitation only and she has not been invited. If she comes anyway have someone ready in the parking lot to escort her back to her car before she even enters the venue.
I really feel for you. I can only imagine how distressing this must be for you. Each night try saying a prayer for her. Ask God to help her let go of her resentment and anger. It may take some time but praying for people can be helpful to you as well as to them. God Bless and best wishes. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the situation better for you or give you something to do that would stop this behavior but there is only so much you can do and changing someone elses behavior is not one of them. Deacon Bob Tousey
Thank you both for your responses....the situation continues but we are getting better at dealing with it. It just helps to get support where you can with something like this...Thank you again.
ex-wife problem
