I am having a big problem trying to explain to my daughter who has earned the right to escort her. Her request is that her bio father (who left us when she was 7 months old )and my current husband who has always been dad even through college. She wants both do the honors. I think not because the bio father will be angry and will make a scene., they barely talk now without bad blood and the man that she has really only ever known as dad will be very hurt, because he has always been there when ever,how ever,and what ever. I even suggested that my brother escort her to keep her day special. Please help soon
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
This is not an easy situation for any families to face and I understand you wishing that she did not want to involve her biological father. For you this seems risky and you believe your current partner deserves this honor. However, what we find in so many cases is that daughters really do wish to have this connection with their own fathers at this special point in their life. She may feel like she missed out on enough but doesn't want to look back and feel like she also missed out on having her bio-Dad at her wedding as well.
What often gets decided is exactly what she's suggesting - to have both do the honors. Although having them both walk her up the aisle may not be practical or even wise, but in many cases the two men take turns escorting her part-way. I don't know enough about the situation but hopefully both fathers would be able to do this for your daughter without making this too difficult.
It may seem like a lot to ask of your current partner, but I believe if he has been there for your daughter all those years that he will want what is best for her. This could be an opportunity for your daughter and her Dad to rekindle some kind of a relationship and we wouldn't want to deny her of that. Despite the potential risks, we need to consider the risks involved of talking her into your way of thinking on this, and the resentment that could ensue if she feels other people are preventing her from having this special part of her wedding day.
This probably doesn't give you much relief but it is often the way things are done. The complexity of step and blended families naturally lends itself to situations like this which are less than comfortable for all of us but we do have to look at the long-term consequences of our decisions, and the impact on others. Best of Luck! Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
Thank you very much for your reply, but I think I made a mistake. When I stated bad blood, and they are barely speaking. I did not say whom. Well I was talking about my daughter and her bio father. She does not care for him and every conversation with him is an argument. She is only trying to accomodate him to try and keep peace. She did not want to tell him. She is so unhappy right now that she is saying justice of the peace. I really need a solution. I'm even thinking of sending her to Vegas to marry because he can't get there.
I'm a bit confused as both of your posts are completely different. But, it is your daughter's decision who she wishes to escort her. She shouldn't have anyone pressuring her to make a decision she isn't comfortable with making. If her bio father is a problem, it is her decision to exclude him.
I did misunderstand the original message as I thought your daughter was requesting and wanting both her bio and stepdad to be part of the wedding and you were having an issue with that and were concerned about what might happen. This is an entirely different situation. By all means she should be the one to make the choice about who attends and who does not. She feels the pressure to include him, from him, but she needs to know that this is absolutely her choice and that you will support her in her choice. I don't know the extent to which you are both concerned about him creating problems if not invited, so I'm not sure if going away to get married is actually something to be considered. Probably what's more real here is that she has difficulty standing up to him and making a decision that he won't like, so whether it's around this issue or any number of other issues in the future, it will be important for her to learn how to do this and that is something too complex to deal with within the scope of this forum. What you can do is fully support her, help her to face this in whatever way she needs to and to reassure her that she is not doing anything wrong by making a choice that fits for her in the situation. She may be experiencing some guilt and anxiety, even fear about excluding him so she will definitely need the support of you and your partner throughout all of this. If she feels she needs some professional counseling or support to handle this issue, perhaps you could help her to find someone she can talk to who will be both objective and supportive.
Best of Luck! Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
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