I was raised Jewish, and ethnically I identify as such. But neither me or my family are practicing or religious in any way. In fact, while there is much in the culture to preserve, I want nothing to do with the religion part.
My fiance was raised in an atheist household, albeit one that celebrates Christmas, etc. Her dad was adopted by a jewish couple and he was raised jewish, but he rejected it. My fiance also does not want religion involved in our ceremony.
Now, out of nowhere, my mother tells me that "surely, there's going to be a rabbi at the ceremony." I told her that I did not think so, although I would be willing to incorporate traditions such as the breaking of the glass and the chuppah. She is very upset about it. I think she assumed that because my fiance has a "central casting" Jewish grandmother, that there would be a rabbi. How should I handle this with her, given that she feels she has some leverage, being the one who is paying for nearly all of the wedding.
Whats more, neither of us like the idea of a justice of the peace who knows nothing about us performing the wedding. In our mind, a marriage is the commitment or contract between the bride and the groom and is not something that is "performed" by anyone. So why must we choose between god or the state?
RevSusanna
Interfaith Wedding Minister
Feb 1, 2005, 4:44 PM
Post #2 of 2
(1123 views)
Re: [grume] Can't we just marry ourselves?
[In reply to]
You are not alone in this. I have seen this situation hundreds of times! Here are some of your options:
-Have a humanist Rabbi do your ceremony or a Reformed Rabbi who will do a humanist Jewish wedding.
-In some states, a friend can marry you. Call your county clerk and find out...
-Get married first at city hall privately, and then conduct your own ceremony publically.... Or write your own ceremony and have a friend conduct it. Many people have used my book in this regard.
-Have a interfaith minister or do your ceremony. You can celebrate all the Jewish traditions culturely...without the mention of God. It is very possible. I have done it many times before. In fact, the chuppah, the drinking of the wine and the breaking of the glass predate the Jewish "religion" as we know it today. You can also add personal and universal elements which will make your ceremony unique and inspired. You can write your own vows...you can read poetry....your can write your own version of the seven blessings and have 7 friends read them. You could do the unity candle ritual family for her family, letting both mothers light the side candles, with a saying from the Ba'al Shem Tov.
The key in an interfaith ceremony is sensitivity, respect and inclusiveness. You don't want anyone to wince or feel alienated. It is important to explain all the non-Jewish elements for the other side of the family. It is important that everyone feel a part of what is going on.
It is not difficult.
It just requires some thought, sensitivity and heart.
I will tell you this from experience, it is worth it.
Can't we just marry ourselves?
