My daughter just dropped a bombshell on us. Her fiance is in the military and is going to be deployed for 8 months. We have been planning their wedding (250 people) for next year. We already have the date, church, reception hall, caterer and DJ.
They have decided they want to get officially married before the deployment (next week) by a Judge. They have already talked to the Judge and have the plans made. I understand it's beneficial for him to be married in the military. He will be home for two weeks on leave and will not be back until next summer. Understandably, this is breaking my daughter's heart.
At first, they weren't going to tell us, just do it. I want to be there at the civil ceremony as well as a small group of the family (both sides). I also don't want to cancel the reception for next year because they really won't be starting their new life together until then. We would have them renew their vows in a church and I think that should be sufficient for the reception. Is it?
Please give me some advice here. This all came out of left field, and no, she's assured me she is not pregnant. She's 21 and will be finishing up school in June.
I Thank you for your time as I am now a frazzled mother.
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Oct 6, 2009, 7:34 AM)
As the mother of a daughter around that same age, I understand and feel for you and your daughter.
If the couple really feel as though the cannot wait until the groom is home on leave or home for good, then they have a decision to make. They can get married civilly, by the judge (if you belong to a church please check with clergy there since a civil marriage is usually not recognized) and then within the year when he returns from deployment they can have their reception. There wouldn't be any vow renewl since they haven't really been married long enough to renew anything and the party that goes along with a renewal isn't a big reception. So, in my opinion, the reception (maybe videotape their civil vows to show during the reception) is the best plan.
If they want the big white wedding, it's best for them to wait for the groom to be home. After all, if they are in love, being miles apart shouldn't change that. If the miles were to change their relationship, better to have that change take place before the marriage.
I'm not privy to why it's better for the soldier to be married, but if the reason is financial, then the couple should think about what is most important to them (money vs. waiting for the wedding they really want). Getting married for financial (money, insurance, etc) gain isn't the best choice. I'm sure you know all of this already, and 21 year olds don't usually like to hear the advice of us "old people". It usually takes until they are about 30 before they realize the value of life experience and begin to appreciate older folks.
I wish you all the best and safe return of your groom. Please thank him for his defense of our country and sacrifice. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Thank You for answering my post so quickly.There's two reasons it's better for him to be married. One is financial and the other is he won't get some of the more dangerous missions. (so they tell me)
She still does want the big white wedding for pictures and memorablilia. From your post, it sounds like that is not an etiquette option.
I was thinking of having an Open House after her "real wedding" here at the house for family and close friends. No gifts. Just to acknowledge the event and to have the church wedding next year with the reception afterwards.
Is that still an acceptable option? Thank You again for your time.
I know nothing about the military but that sounds a bit off to me. It insinuates that the single people's lives are less valuable. Doesn't make sense.
If your daughter wants the big white wedding, she will have to wait for it, or have it right now, before the groom is deployed. Once they exchange their vows, they are married. THAT is their "real wedding" and you can certainly have an open house type reception at your home. No gifts would be expected since only those guests invited to the wedding are obligated to send a wedding gift (though people usually send one if invited to the reception/party afterwards).
The ceremony in your church would be a blessing of the marriage or, in the Catholic Church, a Convalidation Ceremony. You can read more about those ceremonies from the links I gave there. Neither is a "big white wedding", sorry. They will already be married in the eyes of their guests and the law. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
I couldn't agree more. The wedding issue is an "either, or" decision. There are no do-overs or a second wedding for those married to the same person. So, THE wedding is THE wedding. It really isn't the private wedding and then the public wedding. There's only the one.
And, I also agree that the reception is the wisest and most polite decision.
Please ask your daughter to choose wisely and carefully. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Married by a Judge
