I have a bit of a problem. I never knew my father until my parents married, which was when I was five years old. I have never been close with him, and most memories of him are not pleasant ones. I have always been very close to my uncle, and have looked to him as a father-figure all my life. My parents are still married, but I have absolutely no desire for my father to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. As long as I can remember dreaming of my wedding, my uncle has always been in that role. Yesterday, I told my mother of my plans, and she is now saying that she will not be attending if go through with these plans. I know that I will be uncomfortable and feel like a liar if I walk down the aisle with my father, and honestly would rather they not be there than experience a painful walk down the aisle. What should I do?
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Jan 1, 2008, 4:46 PM
Post #2 of 2
(445 views)
Re: [worshipper] No desire for my father to walk me down the aisle
[In reply to]
It really depends on whether you're willing to live with the consequences of your choice to not include him, which would seem to be that your mother and him will not be there. You can choose to look at it different ways. Either that it is important enough for you to not include your father, to deal with the consequences on that day and afterward, or to choose to view your including him as a choice to be inclusive of family, not just a betrayal of yourself. I usually advocate for the solutions that appreciate the long and short term implications of the decisions to be made as well as finding something that is obvsiously not intolerable for the two people whose wedding it is - you and your groom. I would wonder if you had considered having both your Dad and your Uncle walk you down the aisle or share the duty by each taking you half way. You get to acknowledge your biological Dad and let's face it, even though your relationship hasn't been great, he is your Dad and this may be a chance to begin healing old wounds and maybe have some kind of relationship with him after all. Marriage can be one of those milestones where we mark our entrance into adulthood, and our willingness to live our lives by our choices now, not by choices that other people made for us years ago. And by including your Uncle you get to acknowledge his importance in your life which I believe is really important to you and fitting under the circumstances.
I know your dream has been about having your uncle in this role solely, but that was obviously because something was missing in your relationship with your Dad (uncles are rarely a first choice otherwise). But things can change and if you have any inclination that it might be worth working on and having a new dream or vision of a relationship with your Dad, then this could be the opportounity to do so. If you do decide to include him, don't think of it as compromising your integrity and your dream, but think of it as taking a step forwards to create a new reality in your life which holds the possibility of a relationship with this man who is your Dad.
Best of Luck. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
No desire for my father to walk me down the aisle
