I have a stepdaughter (Melissa) that I have been a father to since she was 3; her biological father has never been part of her life. Her mother and I divorced about 8 years ago when she was 15. Melissa's mother and I had 2 daughters together but I have always been careful to never treat any of my 3 daughters differently. All through these last 8 years we have stayed close, and we still have a father/daughter relationship.
I was told yesterday that Melissa wants her mother to give her away at her wedding next year (her mother told me this). Besides the fact I think this is kind of strange, I am crushed! I don't know how to respond to this because I am so hurt by it! I am meeting with her mother next week so we can discuss financial arrangements for the wedding and I just don't know how I should act. Should I just go along with this, help pay for the wedding, and not say a word about it. I want her to enjoy her wedding, but this is going to be painful for me.
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Sep 2, 2005, 12:36 PM
Post #2 of 3
(2891 views)
Re: [neptune] Not giving away the bride
[In reply to]
I can understand why you would feel hurt and left out of what is traditionally the role you might have expected to play for her on that day. However, in stepfamilies in particular there are no set traditions or hard and fast rules. There are often two mothers and two fathers, making situations like this even a little more complicated. I have heard of many variations on the usual scene, from biological father and stepfather giving the bride away together, to mother and stepfather playing this role. The only rule is that there are really none and she has to do what fits for her. Your stepdaughter is also from a different generation that is not as bent on following traditions from the past. She may be doing what is most meaningful for her and the fact that her mother has been the only one who has been there for her her entire life, it may have been the natural choice for her to make. On the other hand, she may think this was a place that her biological father should have taken; maybe you taking this place serves to remind her of just how absent he has been in her life and it is too painful for her to think about. Because she didn’t choose you for whatever reason, it certainly doesn’t mean that you aren’t important to her.
Perhaps you can have a heart to heart talk with her, let her know how much you care about her and that you would love to participate in the wedding in any way that would be meaningful for both of you. Make sure she knows that you support her as she takes this next big step in her life; she really needs you as you are the only father she’s ever known. It sounds like you have a good relationship – that’s not the issue, so I’m sure she wasn’t trying to slight you by this. She may have not even realized that it was so important to you to be part of the wedding in some way.
Don’t let this become an issue between you; your relationship with each other is the most important thing. Try to concentrate on all the good things that have come as a result of your relationship together and take pride in the fact that your contribution and commitment in this young woman's life has been substantial and helped her to mature and go on to have a happy life. Don't get stuck on the disappointment side of things with all the negative feelings that go along with it because it could damage the relationship. I hope you can find some peace with all of this and go on to celebrate your lives together.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
neptune
Sep 3, 2005, 5:05 PM
Post #3 of 3
(2880 views)
Re: [yvonne"instep"] Not giving away the bride
[In reply to]
Thank you very much for your insight. You've given me a different perspective and I'm going to do exactly as you suggest.
Not giving away the bride
