My father has never really been a part of my life. I have always planned on having my step-father walk me down the isle. (he and my mom married when I was a baby) I have recently started to mend my relationship with my real father and told him that I was still going to have my step-dad walk me down the isle. He said this would be okay, he was going to be hurt but whatever I wanted would be okay for him. I have one week until my wedding and now he tells me that after the wedding party walks down the isle, he is going to get up and walk out the middle doors because he doesn't want to see my step-dad walk me down the isle. He is going to come back in after my step-dad sits back down. I have always given in to me real father because he knows how to lay the guilt. But now that I'm older I realize what games he plays. I am getting so stressed about all of this and just wish that for one day it could be what I want, Is that wrong? My mom and real dad have never gotten along, and I am afraid that if this happens it will cause more problems because he just wants to make a statement. There is no way that I would consider having them both walk me down because of the hard relationship that we have. I just am having a hard time getting over the fact that he doesn't care if he hurts me by walking out. I don't know how to talk to him about this because we have never really had that "father-daughter" relationship. I remember him being around when I was growing up but I have block most of my childhood out. I guess I am just looking for advice on this one, because the more I just let the situation go it bothers me more.
You could tell him that if this is his plan, then he will have to sit in the back so as not to offend anyone or to interfere with the procession. If he wants to be a polite guest, then he may sit in the third row.
It is also appropriate to tell him that if it is going to bother him, he isn't obligated to attend. But, that you require all of your guests to sit during the entire ceremony.
This is not impolite. It is completely appropriate for you to do this.
My heart goes out to you. This must be very painful for you. If you wish, you can offer your biological father other ways to be included in the ceremony. For example, he can do a reading or give a blessing. Or he can give a toast at the reception. Having said that, especially given your history with your father, it is your day, and ultimately your decision. You can reach out to him the best you can. You can speak to him as open-heartedly as is possible for you. However, it is up to him to come to peace with your decision.
You cannot change him, or his actions. However, given his decision, you can set boundaries as to what would make you feel most comfortable in that particular situation. For example, you can tell him that you are very happy that you and he have recently mended your relationship. You can tell him that you really want him present at your ceremony. However, if he plans to walk out in the middle of ceremony, making an obvious statement, at the risk of upsetting your mom and upsetting you, would you rather him not attend the ceremony at all? I am not saying this is the correct course of action, or this is what you should do. I am just trying to give an example of how you can protect yourself by setting boundaries given what is presented to you.
I leave you with this passage from my book:
"Ultimately, it is your marriage, your wedding, and the beginning of your new life. In the end we hope that Mom and Dad will find their own measure of inner peace. Do your best in working with your families; then it is up to them to work with you and with one another. When all else fails, go within. Contemplate. Meditate. If it is part of your belief system, pray. "Prayer from the heart," said Ghandi, "can achieve what nothing else can do in the world." One needs to quiet oneself to hear the inner voice of wisdom and peace. Right action will then follow."
It does sound like he might be trying to provoke or guilt you into seeing things his way. Him leaving at that time would be disruptive and he most likely knows that so in that case, it really is about making a statement. It may be painful for him to see another man walk you down the aise because it is a reminder to him that he has failed you, but that is no reason for him using this opportunity to make the day uncomfortable.
Unless there is a chance that he is blinded by his own feelings and doesn't realize that this would be so hurtful to you. Is this even possible? Either way, you need to be perfectly honest and straightforward and let him know how this would make you feel.
Perhaps focus on the fact that you want to rebuild your relationship from this point on but that doesn't change the fact that the past was what it was. Your stepfather has earned his place in your life and that is why you want him in this role. Maybe your biological dad can play another role. Whatever you decide about this, I would remain firm that him walking out in the middle would be hurtful and unacceptable to you. Let him know you are interested in building a relationship with him but that this would not be a good way to start. If he knows you are committed to the relationship and understands where you are coming from, he may see the light and change his mind. If not and he indicates that he still prefers to do something that you have told him would be disruptive and hurtful to you on your wedding day, then you need to let him know that this cannot happen and that it will have repercussions where your relationship is concerned. If you feel he is in any way bullying you into seeing it or doing it his way, then you need to be absolutely firm and clear with him and know for yourself, that it's okay to do this. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
SFOB & FOB
