The bride is catholic, grandmother is jewish who married a catholic. The grandmother was asked to participate to help perform a jewish tradition of breaking the glass at the ceremony. The grandmother is refusing to participate and decided she will not attend because she is jewish and cannnot attend a catholic church. other members of the family who is jewish is attending as well as participating in the ceremony. Of course this is hurting the bride's feelings. Any words of wisdom for the bride on how she should appeal to her grandmother.
annemjuhlian
CELEBRANT & OFFICIANT
Apr 21, 2005, 9:06 AM
Post #2 of 3
(1361 views)
Re: [irisaldecoa] family refusal to attend
[In reply to]
A couple of things to consider. Is the grandmother not attending because it's a Catholic church or because she has been asked to participate in a Jewish ritual? It's wonderful that the rest of the family is attending. If your Grandmother is resolute on not going into a Catholic church, will she be at the reception? Perhaps invite her to the reception if she's not comfortable at the Catholic church. And if you want to make a plea for her attendance at your wedding ceremony, tell Grandmother that she doesn't have to participate in the Jewish ritual - that you would love her presence - and let her take it from there. You can't change anybody. And with such little information from you in your post, I'm tempted to think there is more within your family dynamic system that is creating this choice by Grandmother. Enjoy your wedding ceremony! Remember, this is your day! Annemarie Juhlian, Wedding Officiant & Minister
RevSusanna
Interfaith Wedding Minister
Apr 21, 2005, 12:54 PM
Post #3 of 3
(1357 views)
Re: [irisaldecoa] family refusal to attend
[In reply to]
You have obviously touched on a nerve. This is a complex issue with myriad emotional, mental, historical and religious layers and implications. There is always so much more going on beneath the service. There may be unresolved issues. I wrote an entire book about this subject---and there is always more to say! Is her granddaughter Catholic? If so, perhaps she is very sad that her Jewish legacy is not being continued in the way she would have hoped---particularly as she heads towards the end of her life. Perhaps deep inside she feels guilty or blames herself for marrying a Catholic. Perhaps she thinks it very wrong to practice a Jewish tradition in a Christian Church---and it is just too much for her. Given the history, many Jews feel uncomfortable in a Catholic Church. It is very understandable. Understanding and Empathy are powerful tools. We can never aim to change or influence a person, only to share our hearts. The bride might find it easier to express her feelings by writing a letter to her grandmother. However, she must be clear to make it all about herself, speak lovingly, humanely, not criticizing the grandmother in any way. Grandmother's beliefs and feelings need to be respected. She can tell her grandmother from her heart how very much she would be missed at the ceremony. She can tell the grandmother how much she loves her and wishes she were there. She can tell her grandmother how proud she is of her Jewish heritage and would like to celebrate that heritage in some way---and celebrate her, the matriarch. Perhaps Grandmother may have suggestions of her own as to her the granddaughter can do this. The bride can ask her. Perhaps Grandmother would be willing to break the glass at the reception and not in the church. That is an option. One of my families opted for this once. Perhaps Grandma would be willing to bless the Challah at the reception or doing a blessing over the wine in Hebrew at the reception. Usually the grandfather or elder male does this, but perhaps she would be willing in honor of her parents. My experience is this: Where there is great love, there is usually a way. Loving Communication is key. We must beginning by listening to Grandmother---without offence or defense. Then the bride can express her feelings and thoughts without offense or defense. Those who listen, listen for peace. In interfaith family situations, respect is the foundation. Love builds the bridge. A little patience and calm helps too!
My prayers for a peaceful, loving resolution are with you.
Shalom!
Rev. Susanna
Rev. Susanna Stefanachi Macomb
author of Joining Hands and Hearts, Interfaith, Intercultural
Wedding Celebrations, A Practical Guide for Couples (Simon & Schuster)
family refusal to attend
