my daughter secretly married, should she still have a ceremony?
I have looked around here and I've seen the general consensus is that once you are legally married, there is no ceremony, no gift giving or wedding dress. But I feel very guilty about my daughters marriage... My daughter told me she wanted to get married a while ago. She's always followed every rule I ever set, until this point.
Her father and I had been easily paying for her education until last year when our family and financial situation tanked and things became very unstable. For a while we were considering bankrupcy. She hatched this plan and sprung it on us so she could get financial aid for school, rather than drop out of college for a while or have us strain to pay. I am usually very reserved but in a panic I "flipped". My husband and I tried to intimidate her out of it.
However, she got married in secret to avoid what she feared would be another outburst. She thought I was telling her to choose between her schooling and my approval. I admit, I really went wild that day. My husband actually restrained me for a short period.
She is my only child, and her husband is an only child also, and we (the parents of the couple) are saddened that now it seems there is no wedding to be had. And I am shamed by my behavior. No one else in the family knows of their legal contract and it was only by happenstance that I discovered it (she felt it wrong to have her parents aware and not his, so she told them too).
I think she should have waited until she was done with medical school, but I wish to see my daughter married! Their and our financial stresses have been alleviated by this marriage, and we could afford a small but elegant ceremony. I never got a ceremony. I don't want her to pine for it, as I have.
What should I do?
Please help. Thank you.
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Sep 10, 2007, 6:28 PM
Post #2 of 5
(549 views)
Re: [TeraH] my daughter secretly married, should she still have a ceremony?
[In reply to]
I'm a mother too and I totally understand your position. But, how can you see your daughter get married when she is already married and they are living together as husband and wife? Even though the family doesn't know they are married, they know, and you know, so hosting a wedding would be a lie. I wouldn't think that is a good way to begin a marriage or a way for you to feel better about what happened.
What's done is done. Put it in the past. Your daughter made a choice and it was her decision to marry and give up the wedding in order to gain the financial help.
If your daughter and her husband are religious they could have a marriage blessing, if their church will perform this service. Or, later on down the road, they could host a vow renewal and hopefully you'll be able to witness these vows.
Please don't feel guilty over this. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Sep 10, 2007, 7:08 PM
Post #3 of 5
(547 views)
Re: [TeraH] my daughter secretly married, should she still have a ceremony?
[In reply to]
I agree and the ceremony is not the most important thing. It is her happiness. This is what she wanted. It may be best to allow her to go with what she wants. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
TeraH
Sep 10, 2007, 8:02 PM
Post #4 of 5
(540 views)
Re: [TWQadmin] my daughter secretly married, should she still have a ceremony?
[In reply to]
I think she would have liked the ceremony, and I'm certain she would have had one had I not been.... averse... to it. I know her hapiness is important, and that's what worries me. I dont think she's happy. I know I have drastically altered our relationship. She calls a third as much as she used to, and she's not as forthcoming about her life.
They've been living together for years, and his mother confessed to me that many members of his family had been pressuring them to wed since they were 18!!! The other half thought they'd eloped, either because the family had started that rumor to squash scandal, or lord knows what! (His mother wasn't sure) I knew it was coming, and it's never bothered me. I just... thought it was too soon, and like I was forcing her into something she didn't want by not having the money she needed.
Would perhaps a reception or get together that's fairly formal be alright? Maybe something to host, a party in their honor and toast them, gifts or no gifts? I'd like her to see that her family supports this decision, and this time of her life. I don't want her to come to associate her marriage with estrangement from us!
They aren't of any particular faith, so blessings I should think would be awkward. Do you ladies have any suggestions? If a party is alright what should the etiquette be for that? Would invitations be issued or simply word of mouth etc.
Thank you, once again.
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Sep 10, 2007, 9:59 PM
Post #5 of 5
(534 views)
Re: [TeraH] my daughter secretly married, should she still have a ceremony?
[In reply to]
Gee, I wish I had that much power over my children!
I think it's time you stop blaming yourself. Your daughter is an adult. If she made a decision which she now regrets, it's her issue, even if you encouraged the decision. Besides, once your daughter was out living on her own, you're not financially responsible for her. and she's not entitled to having her schooling paid for by her parents. As parents, we do it if we can. If not, there are lots of ways to earn money and many student loans to be had out there.
A reception would be terrific if the wedding wasn't more than a year or so ago. Note that the wedding is the gift giving event, not the reception. Although some guests may send a gift, they are not obligated nor should your daughter expect gifts. Invitations may be sent depending on the level of formality.
Discuss all of this with your daughter to be sure she wants this party. and the both of you can afford to host it now. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
my daughter secretly married, should she still have a ceremony?
