My daughter's wedding was planned for the 3rd weekend of April down at the Caribbean. All invitations were sent as early as early February to give guests the needed time to prepare for their trips.
As everything just seemed to be on the right track, I had received news last week that my husband had unexpectedly died from a heart attack during a business meeting in Singapore. Coming back from the Orient this past Sunday after making all necessary arrangements, I had to hold back my grief and start facing some difficult decision regarding my daughter's wedding. Since my husband will not be arriving back to the State until later next week owing to hygiene regulations and governments' paper works of two countries, we must decide on whether to postpone the wedding until after the funeral or the other way around. In view of the progressive stages of the wedding arrangements and the number of guests (over 122) being invited and confirmed, I had decided to go ahead with the wedding as planned. It was subsequently agreed upon by both my daughter and SIL on such decision. Consider that my husband was her step father and they weren't particularly close, I would not foresee any disagreement on her part. After all, I had found no reason that my late husband can't wait. My questions on the etiquette issues are as follows and I would appreciate your kind advises:
Since his death had so far not been released beyond the immediate family , how shall I be announcing my husband's death at the wedding without casting a shadow of grief during such joyous occasion. I was thinking of not announcing the news at all but considering that it will be the same group of guests being invited to the later funeral, I think it is inappropriate or unable to to hide the fact from anyone. If I had decided to announce of my husband's death, at what part of the wedding shall I do so and who shall be making that announcement. My mother was suggesting to send a death announcement card to all guests but to mention that the wedding will proceed as planned. However, another friend simply recommend a simple notice be put on the reception table on the day of the wedding. Do you think I shall announce my husband's death before or during the wedding. Please suggest a proper means to do this. Additionally, as there will be no surviving men in neither of our family after my husbands' passing (her birth father also died 4 years ago while the groom's mother is a widow), who shall be giving the bride away (or be escorted) under the circumstances. Would a friend or colleague be fine or does he need to be a family member.
On a side note, A friend of mine had remind me to switching my own wedding ring to my right hand at my daughter wedding. I had recalled switching my previous wedding ring to my right hand after her father died, but I could not remember if I done so before or after the funeral. I then told it off after I remarried so I had only very faint memory on this custom. Please tell if my friend is right on her suggestion and please advise on the current etiquette standard on such issue.
Please advise if I had made the right decision and if so, please help me to resolve the above problems. Thanks.
Mrs.SH49, Phoenix AZ Charish every second with your love ones as if it were your final hour. Recently widowed myself, I have realized this truth too late to make a difference.
(This post was
edited by Mrs.SH49 on Apr 13, 2007, 4:23 PM)
TWQadmin
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Post #2 of 7
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Re: [Mrs.SH49] A Wedding and A Funeral
[In reply to]
Mrs S -
As a widow myself, I do feel for you and wish you peace during this difficult time. However, we can only accommodate one question per post, out of fairness to the experts and to make sure the right expert gets the question in his/her field.
Feel free to edit this original post so that it contains only one question from the same subject matter and then post your additional questions in the proper forum category, one at a time. (For example, your question regarding dresses should be listed under dresses so that our beauty expert can respond).
I wish you the best at this bittersweet time, Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Mrs.SH49
Post #3 of 7
(1158 views)
Re: [TWQadmin] A Wedding and A Funeral
[In reply to]
DEar TWQadmin,
Real sorry about the mess up. I guess I am still not much of myself lately after going through all these arrangements and I am indeed grateful to having most of these death things settled. I had put the etiquette questions in the avove re-edition while putting the dress issues in the Mother of the Bride's Dress forum. Please excuse me again if there are another mistakes.
I would appreciate if you could give your professional advise on the mentioned issues. Many thanks.
Mrs.SH49 Charish every second with your love ones as if it were your final hour. Recently widowed myself, I have realized this truth too late to make a difference.
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Post #4 of 7
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Re: [Mrs.SH49] A Wedding and A Funeral
[In reply to]
Dear Mrs. SH49,
Please accept my sincerest sympathy.
There is no reason to announce your husband's death before or during the wedding. It is better to discuss this in private if guests ask. And, death announcements are reserved for the paper. We don't send these out.
Re: [Et.byRebecca] A Wedding and A Funeral
[In reply to]
Dear Rebecca,
Thanks for your kind reply. I had thought about not announcing his death (as I had mentioned in my question) but the trickiness of the situation had prompted me to decide otherwise. First of all, my late husband was a senior executive of an investment trust so news over his death had to be be released to all major clients since last week to preserve business confidence. Some of these clients however, are among the invited guests and not announcing may create a feeling of preferential treatment for the more well off guests. Secondly, people will notice the absence of my husband. Questions will be asked and I honestly don't want answering to individual guest and receiving individual condolences at my daughter's wedding. An wedding announcement could at least give me a chance to asking all gust focusing on my daughter instead on myself. That's the reason why I want an open announcement in the first place. Please realize my difficulties and I truly appreciate your further advise on this issue.
By the way, please also comment on the proper person to give my daughter away (or escorting her) in view of the absence of her father.
Mrs.SH49, Phoenix AZ Charish every second with your love ones as if it were your final hour. Recently widowed myself, I have realized this truth too late to make a difference.
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
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Post #6 of 7
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Re: [Mrs.SH49] A Wedding and A Funeral
[In reply to]
Please list your question regarding your daughter's escort in a new post. However, before you do, please search for previous answers since this is a weekend and since I believe this questions has been answered before. You may get your answer faster in a previous post.
Thank you. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Post #7 of 7
(1106 views)
Re: [Mrs.SH49] A Wedding and A Funeral
[In reply to]
Anyone can escort her as none of us are given away anymore. She can also walk alone. Many women are these days.
Usually when someone passes away, family members will notify those who need to know. There are no formal announcements. But, announcing this at the wedding may create some confusion about what this event is supposed to be. Whether or not you announce this before the wedding, more than likely you will have guests coming to you to discuss it. There is no way to avoid it.
However, there could be a candle lighting. During this lighting it could be stated that this is in memoriam of your late husband. Or, perhaps the officiate could state something very briefly about his passing. The point is that it should be very brief.
Ask friends and family to personally notify the guests they know. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
A Wedding and A Funeral
