Bride's Family Pressuring Bride About Invited Guests
Here is the situation: My fiance (the bride) and I have been together about three and a half years, and have been living together for about three of those years. Both of our families are generally loving, supportive and stable, and both sets of parents are still married. Both sets of parents are also happy that we are getting married.
However, here is where things begin to differ. My family is a bit more in tune with proper etiquette than her family is. She has been good (impressively so) about standing up to her parents' somewhat rude demands, but her parents are not letting up.
The following are examples of things that have transpired. Her father, prior to my fiance and I setting the guest list or sending out any save the date cards, took it upon himself to invite two people that he worked with and their significant others. To appease him, she and I added them to our guest list in the hope that this would be an isolated incident.
Then, when discussing the invitations (we wanted an adults only event), her father was adamant about adding the word "ONLY" after a particular guest's name on her invitation, as he was convinced that she would bring her children and man of the week. My mother was appalled at the suggestion that such a rude step would be taken, and we all agreed to compromise on "Adults Only" being discreetly pre-printed on all of the invitations, as much as the sane ones among us were still uncomfortable with it. As it turns out, that particular guest wrote in her two children and man of the week on the response card anyway. My fiance's father agreed to call her and inform her of the "adults only" nature of the event, as this guest was a member of his family. However, during his conversation with her, he told her that it would be ok to bring her baby. My fiance was then forced to deal with that fiasco, by writing a polite note on the back of this guest's response card explaining that we would love to have her but we only have space for the invited guests, and send the card back to her. We have yet to hear back from this guest.
Finally (hopefully this will be the last issue), my fiance's parents and older brother have been giving her an unbelievable amount of pressure to invite the older brother's girlfriend. For the record, they do not live together. Also, this brother is a member of the wedding party. When my fiance and I decided on the criteria for invitation of significant others, we decided that live-in partners would be invited, as well as any partners that we were aware that the primary guest had been with for a reasonable amount of time. We were not aware that her brother had a girlfriend at the time the invitations went out. He has since informed us of their relationship and all but demanded that she be invited. For the record, my brother who is the best man, didn't have a girlfriend at the time and was invited by himself as well. Our response has been that this girlfriend may be invited if we have enough people decline. We still need a few to decline before we even reach the capacity of the room. However, the pressure to invite her continues, and then my fiance's father just flat out told this girl that she could come. My fiance has had to continually play the crisis management/disaster cleanup role as a result of her father's complete ineptitude and “bull in a china shop” approach to his role as father of the bride.
My finace and I are at our wit's end. We are making a pretty good team, supporting each other through her family's faux pas (sp?), but her father is completely ignoring her repeated and clear instructions not to invite people to the wedding. Her mother is not much better. They just don't get it. We have been as clear as day, and repeatedly so, but to no avail. In addition, they repeatedly call her Bridezilla when she stands up to them, which she certainly is not. If anyone is in a position to truly gauge her "Bridezilla-ness", it would be. I have even politely mentioned to her dad in casual conversation (in response to his many bridezilla comments) that she is actually being quite good, and isn't really being a bridezilla. He acknowledged it, but has continued to call her that.
Do you have any recommendations on how to drive the point home to her parents that it is completely unacceptable that they feel they can ignore our wishes and proceed as they have been? For the record, her parents are contributing financially to the wedding, however they aren't contributing the majority. They are contributing about 20%, while my parents are contributing about 50%, and I am contributing about 30%.
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Jul 19, 2007, 3:30 PM
Post #2 of 4
(828 views)
Re: [KevinP] Bride's Family Pressuring Bride About Invited Guests
[In reply to]
Dear Kevin,
Firstly, I simply must compliment you on your writing skills. So many do not know proper grammar. Your question was so well written. Thank you.
Perhaps your future father in law is in a time-warp. He may consider his contribution to mean that he is the 'traditional' father of the bride and he and his wife have the 'right' to plan and invite. Of course, if this is the case, he would have paid the entire cost of the wedding. I suppose he isn't versed in his etiquette history.
We just don't live this way anymore--thank goodness.
I'm not sure how to approach this any better than you two have. It appears that you have been doing everything correctly and diplomatically, except that I probably wouldn't have given in to including 'adults only' on the invitations. But, we all have to choose our battles.
Perhaps the next time your fiance has to confront her parents about their behavior, she could inform them that she has read what is considered proper and request that they pay a visit to this website or to read any etiquette booklet that includes wedding etiquette. This site would be the best bet since it focuses of proper etiquette, is much easier to read, and the information is quicker to find.
Perhaps we can create a new bridezilla spin off title for fathers who behave as bullies.
Best wishes and good luck! Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
KevinP
Jul 19, 2007, 5:03 PM
Post #3 of 4
(821 views)
Re: [Et.byRebecca] Bride's Family Pressuring Bride About Invited Guests
[In reply to]
Thank you very much for the compliment. I must admit that one of my pet peeves is the lack of regard for clear communication these days.
I agree that it might not be a bad idea to have her suggest that they read up on proper etiquette. Of course, that begs the question; What is the proper way to suggest that someone read up on etiquette? I imagine that one benefit of their thick-headedness is that we are able to be quite blunt with them, so we can likely just suggest it outright. I'll certainly suggest it to my fiance. I fear their thick-headedness may prove to be both a blessing and a burden, as they may not take the suggestion to heart.
I appreciate the advice, and I'll soldier on, focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks again.
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Jul 19, 2007, 5:28 PM
Post #4 of 4
(816 views)
Re: [KevinP] Bride's Family Pressuring Bride About Invited Guests
[In reply to]
Your sweetheart could mention it as something she has just read. Perhaps this would make it seem as if she has just learned it as well and it might not appear as an insult.
Please let me know if you ever write a book. I could read your words all day. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Bride's Family Pressuring Bride About Invited Guests
Re: [Et.byRebecca] Bride's Family Pressuring Bride About Invited Guests
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