I have a bit of a dilemma. I have chosen my bridesmaids. And sort of out of nowhere my fiance brought up having my 3 brothers included, and that I could include his 2 sisters and niece as bridesmaids. I should mention that it's not a normal family structure. He has one "full" sister (older by a few years) and one "half sister" (old enough to be his mom, i.e. in her 50's). His niece is our age (late 20's). Both his parents have passed as they were quit a bit older when he was born. They are all very close, and really they're the only family he has / communicates with. His nephew (our age - sort of like his brother figure) is going to be his best man. There's only going to be about 120 (max.) attendants including the bridal party and I would think it would look a little lop-sided to have so many actually IN the bridal party. It's like half the attendants are going to be walking down the isle. That's not even really the issue, cause I can get passed that. The thing is that I'm not really close with his sisters. I've met them numerous times... the thing is I actually don't like his "full" sister (she's belligerently oppinionated, and we get along only because I bite my tongue), and his "half" sister is so much older I would think it inappropriate. She's more like a mom figure... I don't know, am I being ridiculous? The ceremony and reception are at a B&B that I've booked 3 rooms for the out of town bridal party guests. I don't want to have to pay for their accommodations as well, and on top get them specific gifts. I was picturing the bachelorette party as an small fun party with these girls that are close to me. I've also picked out pearl necklaces for the bridesmaids, and I really don't want to buy 3 more. However, I would love for my brothers to be included. So I posed this question to one of the bridesmaids:
Can I have my brothers as bridesmen and he have his sisters & niece as groomsmaids?
She thought it would come off offensive to them (his sisters) and that I should just suck it up and include them.
How do I do this tactfully, without paying for their rooms and can I still get the necklaces for the originals and smaller gifts for them? That would be kind of jerky of me wouldn't it?
And I realized that we had this all laid out and my brothers weren't included, but now that it's in my head I really want to included them now.
Hopelessly confused...
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Mar 28, 2007, 5:26 PM)
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Mar 28, 2007, 7:09 PM
Post #2 of 5
(852 views)
Re: [Sept07bride] Choosing bridesmaids: family vs. friends
[In reply to]
Dear Sept,
That really is too many attendants for such a small wedding. Plus, these ladies should be close to you. The same goes for your fiance. But, adding your brothers to your side would be including too many. Of course he could still choose your brothers even if you don't include his family as your attendants.
Finally, if these people are included, you would have to pay for their lodging. All would have to be given gifts of the same value.
Re: [Et.byRebecca] Choosing bridesmaids: family vs. friends
[In reply to]
Thanks for the advice, I do appreciate it. However, he's also already chosen his groomsmen which matches the # I've chosen. Could he still have my brothers on his side, or would that still be too many? Is there another roll they can have in the wedding that isn't too, "you aren't important enough to be a groomsman". Is there any way to ask 3 of the girls (with whom I work) to step down... or give THEM alternate rolls as apposed to my brothers? I'm not sure if he's actually asked all his guys, but I think it might be too demanding of me to ask that he not ask 3 of them so that my brothers can be included. Is is really MY day? Shouldn't his wants be considered too, or is it proper to honor the bride-to-be's family before his? Any thoughts?
Sept07bride
Mar 29, 2007, 10:17 AM
Post #4 of 5
(837 views)
Re: [Et.byRebecca] Choosing bridesmaids: family vs. friends
[In reply to]
On more thing I failed to respond to. On the advice that his groomsmen should be close to him, the guys he's chosen are definitely his close buddies. But my brothers would be a lot closer to him than his sisters would be to me. My family lives about 3 hours away, with our house being between home and college for 2 of my bros. It's become a stop-over whenever they travel to and from college. His family lives 10 hours away, and we don't see them as often. In effect he's honestly become part of our family. When he proposed my brothers were so excited to be officially getting a new brother. He gets along fantastically with my family. In fact, it was on a vacation with my family that he proposed. I'm the one who doesn't really enjoy being around his. I just don't know the etiquette for including family. Now that it's been brought up I feel strongly that they should be included. I think it would just be wrong not to somehow. I don't have any sisters and if I did certainly they would be included. I just didn't want to insist on it early to my fiance, but now that he brought it up... Shouldn't they?
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Mar 29, 2007, 10:53 AM
Post #5 of 5
(834 views)
Re: [Sept07bride] Choosing bridesmaids: family vs. friends
[In reply to]
Let's just work on the issue of involving family first. While it is a nice gesture to include family, it isn't obligatory. Some times it isn't wise either. Only those very close to the bride and groom should be considered for each of them. And, both of them choose their own attendants based on their personal feelings. You don't have to include his sisters. They can help out in other ways--perhaps as official hostesses for the reception.
The same goes for your brothers. They could be ushers and not stand with you two.
It is not polite to ask your attendants to step down once you have asked them to be involved. So, this is not an option.
I hope I've covered it all. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Choosing bridesmaids: family vs. friends
