Complication with regards to having an immediate family wedding.
A problem has come up with the planning of my wedding. I'm getting married to my fiancee next year (July 2008) and have always been aware that wedding etiquette usually calls for the fiancee and fiancee's parents to "drive the show" (or at least 90% of the show.. since they're paying for it and it's usually the "brides day" anyway). My family and I have no problem recognizing and respecting that "rule of thumb".
That said, here is what they presented to ME (on an evening at their home) knowing that everyone (both families) did want to keep it small and keep the cost low:
"Let's have an immediate family wedding at city hall, with small diner immediately after. Afterwards (ex: 1 month later) we can have garden parties on each side of the families to include those "beyond" immediate family so we can at least see them." This was proposed by the parents (however the mother was the one speaking) of my bride to be.
My fiancee and I immediately liked the idea and immediately began thinking of who "immediately family" would include (this is still when we are sitting in the living room with my fiancee's parents... my parents weren't there). So they list their people:
"My fiancee (+1), grandparents (+1), parents of my fiancee (+2) and sister of my fiancee (+1)" a total of 5 people.
and after I begin to list mine as so:
"Myself (+1), Grandparents (+2), My parents (+2), my brother and his wife (+2), my sister and her boyfriend of over 1 year (+2)" a total of 9 people (reasonable I would say).
Now, he's were thing get complicated... the moment I said "my sister and HER BOYFRIEND" the mother practically erupted with emotion saying "no boyfriend's allowed"... to which my fiancee replied "MOM!" (probably cause she was stunned... as was I). Her mom persisted (she was practically teary eyed)... "sorry Jen, but no boyfriend's allowed".
Given that I was stunned and that I consider myself someone who dislikes displeasing people (especially my fiancee's parents/mom), I basically responded with "ummm... I'll run it by my sister/my parents".
And that was pretty much the end of that discussion, having agreed to the city hall wedding.
A couple days later (may have been the following day... I can't remember), I was on the phone with my mom and I asked her what she thought of not having John (my sister's boyfriend at the city hall and after diner)... and her reponse was just short of a nervous breakdown (and it didn't take me long to understand why). John has been "involved" in our family for over a year and a half. He's helped my parents out tremendously in the past (for ex: by helping my sister move from apparentment to appartment every 4 months because of her college and coop work terms in order to save my parents a 6 hour drive), he's close to me and my parents, and OBVIOUSLY close to my sister. My family feels it would be a tremendous slap in the face to the both of them to say "John can't go" as HE IS considered family to us.
After having that conversation with my mom, I informed my fiancee of the outcome of the conversation and basically told her... "no one on OUR side of the family feels comfortable saying that to either my sister or John, cause it would cause way to much damage to our relationship with the both of them". Jumping forward a bit in the future, at one point I offered her "whoever is requesting to not have John there... can be the one to tell my sister... cause my family can't". (and just FYI... I believe I'm 98% correct in stating that the person who felt it was inappropriate to have John there was my fiancee's aunt (her mom's sister)). The aunt felt that if John was there... that so should she. This is why I believe my fiancee's mother had felt pressure to say "no boyfriends".
Now, my question is... who is being unreasonable here... My family by feeling John NEEDS to be there or her family for not understanding our request?
And if her side are the ones being unreasonable, how do we make her side of the family understand that.
I understand a quick solution would be to invite the "demanding" aunt as well... however I'm sure you could see the complications involved in "adding an aunt to the mix". My fiancee's side, has about 20 or so aunts, uncles and cousins, whereas mine about 110.
Your expertise on this issue would ease my pain.
(This post was
edited by blades.of.steel on Mar 18, 2007, 12:47 PM)
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Mar 18, 2007, 1:58 PM
Post #2 of 3
(602 views)
Re: [blades.of.steel] Complication with regards to having an immediate family wedding.
[In reply to]
I'd like to sidestep the actualy question and ask one of my own. What if the two of you decided to host your own wedding? Then you could invite anyone you choose and plan the wedding that makes you both happy. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Mar 18, 2007, 6:17 PM
Post #3 of 3
(596 views)
Re: [blades.of.steel] Complication with regards to having an immediate family wedding.
[In reply to]
I completely agree, because the days of the bride's parents paying and planning are gone. Old etiquette. Today, couples pay, plan, and invite. It may take you a bit longer to save for the party afterwards, but it will be yours--all yours.
Even if either parent contribute, which is their choice, they do not plan. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Complication with regards to having an immediate family wedding.
