I greatly appreciated your advice and the time you took to extend it. That being said, I wanted to provide you with an update – honestly, I am nearing the brink of despair and need an opportunity to speak freely. I am fully aware that certain parts of this letter may sound bitter. I wish I could avoid this, but what was to be the happiest day of my life, has turned into a complete nightmare.
When I originally posted the question, I was hoping to elicit a response that it was acceptable for the Step Parents not to sit at the Head Table. Secretly, I felt this was asking a bit much but it appeared to be a viable option. My fiancé proposed this to both his parents – his Mother was not thrilled, but agreed that if it would make things better for us, she and her husband would comply. His father’s reaction was a completely different story. Before I continue, I will offer a brief account.
My fiancé works with both his father and Step Mother at a business owned by his father. The work environment is hostile at best. A day does not pass that they do not scream at each other or use profanity. My fiancé cannot recall a day that his father did not call him stupid, useless or another term that I will not post. Relations with the Step Mother are not much better. There is no respect, compassion or concern for each other whatsoever. His father’s reputation in the business community is very poor and often people are amazed that he is still in business. The man is quite simply an egotistical tyrant, whose only pleasure in life is to hear himself speak. I have often times attempted to reason with my fiancé, knowing that his father suffered great injustices as a child – injustices that no child should ever have to encounter. That support vanished today.
There is another side to this saga, and that is the Step Father. He has lung cancer. He recently underwent radiation and chemotherapy. Understandably, he is not at his best, and standing in a Receiving Line will be difficult for him – sitting in front of 125 guests is not appealing to him either. I know this, as I have spoken with him personally. He is a kind, dear man, and advised that whatever works for us kids, is fine with him.
One last piece you should know. 25 years ago, the Step Father was the father’s best friend – I think the rest of the story tells itself.
Today. Today I went to meet with the father and Step Mother. Within 60 seconds, I was being yelled at (this is the 3rd time in my life I have met the man), being told how it was going to be at the Reception. He wanted me to take his wife’s feeling into consideration and when I attempted to advise that I was, in addition to the Step Father’s feelings, he told me that he didn’t care if the Step Father died tomorrow (Please note that these people say they are friends and have dinner together).
I tolerated the profanity and rudeness for as long as I could muster, then eventually stood, thanked his wife for her presence and gifts at our shower, said ‘Take Care’ and walked out.
Funny thing is that we were there today to tell him that we were going to sit with all of our parents and the Bridal Party would sit with their spouses. I didn’t even have the chance.
Incredibly, they asked today if they could invite another couple to the wedding - the same wedding they refused to contribute to and said we were over-doing it. It appears this has now turned into their opportunity to impress their friend’s at our expense - both emotionally and financially.
From the word go, this man has criticized every move we elected to share with him. We no longer want them to even attend the wedding and have decided we will return their gifts and find someone else to sponsor us at the Country Club so that our Reception can continue. My Mother is worried sick, I am so distraught and have cried so much I don’t even look like myself anymore. My fiancé’s life will be even worse at work, if that is possible – I am so concerned for his welfare.
Our Wedding is in 17 days and I don’t know what else we could possibly bear. I always rise above but believe this time it is out of the question. This man is less than human and doesn’t deserve our consideration. I’m hoping someone agrees and has a suggestion. I once heard that our Wedding Day was all about the Bride – I changed that to it’s all about us. Apparently, it’s neither.
(This post was
edited by PrincessBride on Aug 26, 2004, 8:55 PM)
I am in tears. I am so sorry. This is not a situation that you or your future husband can do anything about. This has nothing to do with the head table. This is about control and abuse. Please seek help. In my opinion, your fiance needs to get out of there. Not only because I believe that he has no future with people who abuse him, but because I believe that he will have a better future without people who abuse him. This is not... I have no words.
You have handled yourself with great comportment when dealing with people who cursed at you. No one should ever have to sit while being verbally abused. I am so sorry.
I hope that you can find a pain free solution for your reception. I will be thinking of you as I'm sure a lot of others will be also. Take care.
Wow! Princess Bride, I think you've handled yourself with dignity and grace. You've done what you could to smooth over a horrible situation. Now I think it's time for the Groom to set a limit with his family. Once you decide how you're going to do the seating arrangement, your FH should let them know. Perhaps, because of the abusiveness going on, a note would work?? Then they can decide if they're going to go to the wedding knowing they can't have it their way.
I am having somewhat of a similar, very ugly, FIL situation. It's appalling for people to make the wedding all about them and their own issues. Good luck!!
Divroced/Remarried UPDATE
Wow! Princess Bride, I think you've handled yourself with dignity and grace. You've done what you could to smooth over a horrible situation. Now I think it's time for the Groom to set a limit with his family. Once you decide how you're going to do the seating arrangement, your FH should let them know. Perhaps, because of the abusiveness going on, a note would work?? Then they can decide if they're going to go to the wedding knowing they can't have it their way. 
