Not sure what to do here, maybe your advice will help a bit. I'm involved in a wedding a number of months away (very close family member) - the problem is that the engaged couple have been making a number of etiquette blunders, some of them substantial, and feelings are getting hurt. Not mine yet, but other family members. For some of these, the couple seems aware that something went awry - but only the groom seems to be genuinely concerned that feelings are getting hurt. The bride has more of a 'oh, what now' attitude. Even where the blunder and hurt are obvious, no apologies to anyone have been forthcoming.
And the hits just keep coming. If I didn't value my future relationship with the bride, I'd buy her a wedding etiquette book and highlight a few key sections. I have to admit here, I'm not a big fan of the which-fork-to-use etiquette, but I'm also painfully aware there's quite a lot of it that exists solely to avoid hurt feelings, embarassment, etc - and I try to take that part of etiquette to heart.
At any rate, my question is this - what to do now? I'm very close to a number of people involved in this soon-to-be-tragedy, and I feel that I am watching current and future relationships disintegrate before my eyes. A few people are hurt, a few more are angry, and it's just going to get worse. At least one person (who, close in relationship, ideally would be viewing this joyous occasion with anticipation) is looking to 'just grit their teeth and get through it.' I'm close to the groom, but he's a bit, well, dense sometimes, and may not be aware of the extent of the problem - and for what he is aware of, he's become defensive of everyone blaming his fiancee (who of course, with him being madly in love, can do no wrong in his eyes - that we all could be so lucky in love to have someone who refuses to see our faults).
I'd really rather not see this wedding destroy what had been pretty stable family bonds. But I don't know if there's anything I can/should do. I can't bring it up with the groom - we are close, but he hasn't chosen to bring any of this up with me - so all of my knowledge is in confidence from those who are hurt/angry. So I can't bring it up with him without going into gossip-zone. I've told each of them that I think they should speak to him directly about this, but they all fear that he won't be able see past being defensive for the bride, and that bringing it up will damage relationships further. But I think the anger is going to simmer for a long time - some 'eitquette' hits from close within a family (child, sibling) at such an important event will be remembered for years.
I should point out that I do not think most of what the bride is doing is malicious. I personally just think she's young, naive, and overwhelmed. And it doesn't help that she's refused (rudely) any and all help in planning from anyone older and wiser who might know better, and might avoid some of the disastrous etiquette mistakes she's making.
Is there anything I *can* do? I feel like I'm watching a car wreck occur in slow motion.
You could inform her that you have been doing a bit of reading on what is considered proper and want to help her avoid hurting anyone or being embarrassed by what you have found in your research. Perhaps if you approached it in this way, as if you are only protecting her, she may accept it better. But, she really should know that she is committing a number of social faux pas before she ends up as a social pariah.
Can you give us one example of something she's done? Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
I appreciate your response, and I understand why it would be helpful to have a specific example. I'm afraid I don't feel comfortable outlining the specific details, because they would be *very* identifiable stories (at least, the ones that are bad are). The little things wouldn't be so blatant, but they also wouldn't convey how out of hand things are starting to get on the emotional front.
The one thing I'll say is that she has blatantly demanded or solicited things that should be freely volunteered.
I realize this doesn't leave you much in the way of specifics, but I thank you for the response you've already left me with. I think I may just gently work at the groom until he gives me an opening to discuss it with him directly.
Etiquette blunders - feelings hurt
