Hi, My Daughter, 25, gets married in 3 weeks. Her mother and I divorced 15 years ago and have bothe remarried with other children since. Her mother kept my daughter away from me for several years and blocked all my attempts at having any contact with her. A few years ago I made contact and my daughter and her boyfriend then began visiting me, eventually spending nearly every weekend at our family home. All was very good for a couple of years with no problems. Then her mother was rushed to hospital and my daughter had to help her recovery over the next few months. From that day to this (over 2 years) I have heard nothing at all from my daughter again. I have tried to find out what happened but again no response is forthcoming. Then my Ex had great pleasure in sending me an email to say 'great news' but not what the news was. Eventually I discovered that my daughter was marrying in July (this was in May). Having heard nothing at all about the wedding my wife wrote to my daughter asking if she would want me to give her away and if my two small daughters were to be bridesmaids (she had always promised them they would be). 48 Hrs later I received an invitation (as a guest) to the wedding addressed to Me and wife + KIDS. The invitation stated " X an Y request....to the marriage of THEIR daughter ..." so I am being invited as a guest to her wedding by her mother & stepfather. I then find a scribbled note inside stating that her stepfather will be giving her away and my children will not be required as bridesmaids. I am still at a loss as to why the contact stopped let alone this 'unusual' treatment as father of the bride. My question is should I attend her wedding? The invitation was clearly only a panic response to my wifes letter. If we attend we will be seated and treated as guests and will know no one esle at the proceedings or reception. We presumably will not be included on the top table, speaches, transport or anything else to do with the wedding. As a traditionalist I would find the entire situation embarrasing but I can rise above that and cope. However I feel that it would be even more embarrassing for the Bride and her 'new parents' to have me there because, clearly questions will be asked as to who I am and there will be much dialogue as is the norm at weddings which will inevitably cause for awkward explanations. I am very hurt to have been treated this way but will still attend if required. However, under the circumstancess I feel that my daughter (and the rest of the wedding party) would be in a less awkward position if I were simply to decline the invitation. Please advise your views AND how such a refusal could best be worded. Many thanks. Aston.
This is unfortunate and I suppose you won't know what happened for some time. But, you did receive an invitation. If she really didn't want you there, she wouldn't have sent one. If you don't want to attend, this is your choice and you don't have to explain your decision not to. You would just send your regrets. However, it may be best to attend at least the wedding. You may regret it if you don't.
Unfortunately we are still listing the names of the 'hosts' (those paying) on the invitations, although contributions are seen as a gift these days. So, this is probably why your names were not listed. I'm sorry about this, but it is traditional.
It is your choice what you do from here and you have every right to attend or no. I'm sincerely sorry for your family problems.
I really feel for you - what a shame. Have you tried writing a leeter to your daughter letting her know how you feel?
I'm not a psychologist or social worker, but I have some personal experience with what is known as parental alienation, which is what seems to be happening there.
You can read a lot about this on the internet. Just google parental alienation. It may not be too late to save the relationship with your daughter.
I hope you choose to attend. I think it will speak volumes to your daughter and could help squelch any untruths that might have been told about you.
Please let us know how this all turns out. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
I would agree with everything said here already and echo my concerns about what might be going on with your ex, in terms of parental alienation. There is a continuum of effects when we talk about parental alienation but the common thread is minimzing or sabotaging the relatinoship between the child and the other parent. It can also take the form of brainwashing and could explain her long time of no contact without any other obvious explanations. I will suggest the best book I know on the subject: Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard A. Warcshak; you can probably get it on-line at Amazon. Reading this will not only give you an idea of what might be going on but also good solid advice about how you can handle it in order to increase the chances of you having a relationship with your daughter in the future.
And that takes us back to you attending her wedding; the best advice is to simply stay in her life in any way possible and make sure she knows that this is what you want and that you are not planning on giving up on the relationship. This often runs counter to what the child or adult child is being told by the other parent so by giving this message and more importantly, acting on it, the child is able to see that you are actually serious about wanting to be in their lives. Too often parents back off and wait for the child to come to them and that reinforces their fear that you really don't want to be involved.
Please consider reading this book as it will give you a lot of support and ideas that I'm sure will be beneficial. I wish you and your daughter the very best. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
Father of Bride problem
