Our daughter and her fiancee are getting married this October. Even though we are paying for the wedding; the groom's mother has taken control. Our daughter is a "peace keeper" and wants everyone to get along. Our situation is that reception hall they booked holds 340 at round tables; which is what our daughter wants. The initial guest list was 500; of that the groom's parents list was 270. My husband spoke with the groom and suggested they either look for a different venue, one that would accommodate the huge list, or have his parents prioritize their list into "A" and "B" lists. His parents cut 50 people from their list. The groom then told us the guest list was a dead issue and we were not allowed to discuss it with his parents. We were shocked that he even thought he had the right to tell us that. Because we were still not comfortable inviting so many more people than the hall would accommodate, we called the groom's parents and asked that they meet us at the reception hall so we could address our concerns with them. We did not tell our daughter and her fiancee about the meeting. At our meeting we pointed out how crowded the reception hall would be with 340 guests. We showed them the runners I made for the round tables. The reception hall employee told us that a 10% decline margin was all we should allow; which would be 375. We told them etiquette says to give each party 1/3 of the guest list. Because their family is large and we wanted them to be able to include their family; we cut our list down to 95 and gave them our extra 30. We asked that they prioritize their list down to 155. They either played dumb or they just didn't get it. So, we followed up our meeting with a letter thanking them for meeting with us and restating our request that they prioritize their list. We didn't ask them to do anything we didn't do ourselves. They invited our daughter and their son to their house and showed them the letter. The mother turned on the waterworks. We came off the bad guys. They succeeded in turning our daughter against us. She is not speaking to us. The groom told us, again, the guest list is a dead issue and did not want it discussed. He asked for the wedding invitations so they could send them out. We told him that we were going to send the invitations out. We are just trying to follow etiquette. We do not feel like we are being unfair. Isn't it the bride's family that plans the wedding? If we are paying, shouldn't we have the reception the way we want? We shouldn't be forced to have banquet tables or a second seating to accommodate the groom's parent's list. We are ready to cut everyone off our list except immediate family and tell the groom's family they can pay for the wedding since they are calling the shots. What are our options?
The etiquette you are following is very old, traditional etiquette. Today, parents are no longer financially responsible for their children's weddings. And, even if parents contribute, they don't invite or plan. The couple does.
It may be time for a reality check. If the couple is old enough to marry, they are definitely old enough to plan and host their own wedding. So, if you want to offer them a set amount for their wedding, then do so. If you don't want to, don't. The couple will soon realize during the planning process that they cannot accommodate that many guests.
It is nice to split the guest list in thirds as it was in the past. And, the generous couple will allow for that, or at least share a bit of their guest list. But, they decide who they wish to invite.
If it were me, I'd have a long talk with my daughter, alone, and let her know how the real world works. Money only goes so far and it is not free. This is a great lesson and one both members of the couple should know before walking down the aisle that mom and dad paid for.
Groom's parents out of control
Our daughter and her fiancee are getting married this October. Even though we are paying for the wedding; the groom's mother has taken control. Our daughter is a "peace keeper" and wants everyone to get along. Our situation is that reception hall they booked holds 340 at round tables; which is what our daughter wants. The initial guest list was 500; of that the groom's parents list was 270. My husband spoke with the groom and suggested they either look for a different venue, one that would accommodate the huge list, or have his parents prioritize their list into "A" and "B" lists. His parents cut 50 people from their list. The groom then told us the guest list was a dead issue and we were not allowed to discuss it with his parents. We were shocked that he even thought he had the right to tell us that. Because we were still not comfortable inviting so many more people than the hall would accommodate, we called the groom's parents and asked that they meet us at the reception hall so we could address our concerns with them. We did not tell our daughter and her fiancee about the meeting. At our meeting we pointed out how crowded the reception hall would be with 340 guests. We showed them the runners I made for the round tables. The reception hall employee told us that a 10% decline margin was all we should allow; which would be 375. We told them etiquette says to give each party 1/3 of the guest list. Because their family is large and we wanted them to be able to include their family; we cut our list down to 95 and gave them our extra 30. We asked that they prioritize their list down to 155. They either played dumb or they just didn't get it. So, we followed up our meeting with a letter thanking them for meeting with us and restating our request that they prioritize their list. We didn't ask them to do anything we didn't do ourselves. They invited our daughter and their son to their house and showed them the letter. The mother turned on the waterworks. We came off the bad guys. They succeeded in turning our daughter against us. She is not speaking to us. The groom told us, again, the guest list is a dead issue and did not want it discussed. He asked for the wedding invitations so they could send them out. We told him that we were going to send the invitations out. We are just trying to follow etiquette. We do not feel like we are being unfair. Isn't it the bride's family that plans the wedding? If we are paying, shouldn't we have the reception the way we want? We shouldn't be forced to have banquet tables or a second seating to accommodate the groom's parent's list. We are ready to cut everyone off our list except immediate family and tell the groom's family they can pay for the wedding since they are calling the shots. What are our options? 
