HELP!! FatherS of the Bride? This one is a little tricky...
Ok, if you havent heard a confusing wedding etiquette question yet, this one tops the cake. Try to follow me:
I have only recently gotten in contact with my biological father within this past year. Before I was born, he used to beat my mother up constantly. He doesn't seem violent now, but he still has mental issues with schitzophrenia and is a bit quirky. He knows that my fiance & I are getting married, and knows the date, he sometimes visits us at our apartment. I love my mother dearly and it is so conflicting to have gotten in contact with him, but she understands my need to finally meet my father. I know that my mom does NOT want me to invite him to the wedding because she is afraid of him, and I do not want to offend or go against my mother in any way whatsoever, but I feel like I might offend HIM now too if I dont invite him. Do you think I should just invite him to the ceremony and not the reception? But if I do that, shouldd I formally have him announced as my father?
Then there is my mother's ex-boyfriend, who happens to be my little brother's father. He was living with us from the time I was 7 when my brother was born until I was about 18. My mom & him are still on good terms and he is good to my brother, but I never really got along with him when I was living with them. Now things are ok, and I know I will at least invite him to my wedding. My mom is now engaged to her new fiance of 2 years, and things are going well for them. I will be inviting her fiance to the wedding as well.
Also, there is a dear friend of the family whom I have only known for 2 years, but he has done things for me and been there for me as a father would have been. I feel like he is the dad I never had, and I asked for the honor of him walking me down the aisle. But now I am getting second thoughts because I dont want to offend anyone. Do you think it would be ok for me to ask if my mother could give me away instead? I don't want to confuse anyone or outright display the slight disfunctional father thing. I know that the friend will understand too, because he knows my uncomfortable situation. But I still would like to honor the friend and his wife somehow, I just don't know how to do it. I was thinking since our grandparents are deceased for the friend & his wife to sit in the second pew?
Also, I am thinking of asking my 13 year old brother to give me away as opposed to my mother? He & I have a great brother/sister relationship & I love him very much. But he is also going to be one of the groomsmen, will he be able to escort me down the aisle and still be a groomsman?
I am just confused as to where I should sit everyone now too, this is far from a normal situation and I just want to keep the peace. Now that I have gotten all of your heads spinning in a talkshow kind of way, I would appreciate if anyone had any input about this, I am so upset & confused and thats not how a bride should feel about these things :(
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Sep 12, 2004, 4:00 PM
Post #2 of 3
(1508 views)
Re: [kryptic.faerie] HELP!! FatherS of the Bride? This one is a little tricky...
[In reply to]
Dear Confused,
OK, breathe. Honestly, this is more common than you would believe.
Let's just deal with your biological father first. Disclaimer: this is my opinion. You do not have to and probably should not invite him to your wedding or reception. Basically because you state that he still has problems with schizophrenia and repeatedly beat your mother.
Now, the beatings were in the past, but the fear and shame (yes shame for the beaten) doesn't disappear. You also say that you do not want to upset him, which is commendable and absolutely understandable. But it seems, that your mother's comfort level should be more important than him missing your wedding. Sorry, but I just can't think that this would be a good situation with him present.
If he is someone that you wish to remain in your life, he (my opinion again) should be a person who will understand this. I think we all want to be surrounded by loving, understanding people; don't we?
Perhaps you could watch a video of your wedding with him. I know that this is not a great choice, but this is a difficult situation.
As for your mother's former boyfriend, please only invite him if you really want him present. There is no etiquette law that states that you have to invite him. It seems as though you want to make everyone happy. Good trait, thank you. But, it is your wedding and it seems as if you should be surrounded by those you love. Just a thought.
Your family friend can definitely walk you down the aisle--my brother-in-law walked with me. Anyone can fulfill this role these days. So, your mother is a great choice also. Because your brother is a groomsman, he is probably your least possible option.
If you wish to honor your friend and his wife, the second or third pew is a good choice. You could also have he and his wife introduced during your reception.
As for where everyone should sit, your mother and her escort should sit in the front row. If you choose to invite your father and former boyfriend, they should sit in the third row. You can seat your close friend and wife in the second or third row. Typically, the parents who raised you would sit in the first row. But since your mother is engaged and you were not close to her ex-boyfriend, it seems more appropriate for your mother and her fiance to sit in the front.
HELP!! FatherS of the Bride? This one is a little tricky...
I vote for mom walking you down the aisle. 