Hi all...I am newly engaged and newly enraged. Well, here goes. My fiance and I are doing our wedding list now and we have agreed on 15 people for the ceremony and 50 people for the reception. Now, his daughter (my step daugher to be....yeah!) is going to be our flower girl...or is supposed to be. Now his ex wants to come to the wedding because she says she has a right to see their daughter be the flower girl. The problem is that her and I don't get along (in true ex fashion). She is not a typical ex but rather an over the board individual who has alot of venom. The thing is on top of myseld not really liking her the guests will consist of my family (who arn't fond of her) and my fiance's family (who are less fond of her than I am). I don't think an invite is neccessary and my fiance wants to invite her just so the situation will be settled. He does not think she will show up...but I don't trust her. Should I invite her because her daughter will be in the wedding? I can send her photos or a video...but I keep getting conflicting advice. Help!
Jill
Psychotherapist: Second Weddings & Stepfamilies
A tricky one for many brides! It seems to be quite insensitive of the ex as the wedding is a small one. Have you offered the video and photos?
If push come to shove - would you feel okay about letting her come to the ceremony - but certainly not inviting her to the reception. I wouldn't rely on her not showing up - the matter must be settled in advance. Jill Curtis Psychotherapist, Author How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) London, UK http://www.familyonwards.com
The absolute thought of her being at the wedding makes my stomach drop. She has never treated me kindly and when we have gotten along she starts to bully and abuse again. So, I see no reason for her to be there. My FH thinks it would be easier for her to come but her would rather not want her there. I think he is worried that if he says she can't go she will make it hard for their daughter to participate in the wedding. They were never married and I think that she is upset he is moving on (she had ended it in the first place). I think at this point I may just elope *sigh*. Thanks for the help though.
Jill
Psychotherapist: Second Weddings & Stepfamilies
Don't give up! Try to get your husband to be to sort it ... you are setting a pattern for your married life. this woman is going to be around for a long long time. Jill Curtis Psychotherapist, Author How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) London, UK http://www.familyonwards.com
This woman will be in your life for the rest of your married life -- for better or worse.
I coach couples around dealing with former-partners and how to handle that sinking feeling in your stomach. The more you learn how to protect yourself from her behaivors, the better. She'll do what she's going to do, say what's she's going to say, and you have little to no control over that. It is her daughter and if she chooses to be involved, the easier for the family system (not particularly pleasant for you).
Perhaps this perspective could help -- what a joy for her to be there, to witness, first hand, that her ex is truly married and moving on (no way to deny it if she witnesses it); and what a great way for her to see how in love, connected, and solid the two of you are - that her presence doesn't impact your relationship or your commitment to each other.
If you're willing and looking forward to her being there, then she has little to no power over you and your new family.
May this perspective help.
Blessings to you on your wedding and new life. Emily Bouchard, MSSW, Life Coach, Speaker, and Trainer
Inviting the ex
) is going to be our flower girl...or is supposed to be. Now his ex wants to come to the wedding because she says she has a right to see their daughter be the flower girl. The problem is that her and I don't get along (in true ex fashion). She is not a typical ex but rather an over the board individual who has alot of venom. The thing is on top of myseld not really liking her the guests will consist of my family (who arn't fond of her) and my fiance's family (who are less fond of her than I am). I don't think an invite is neccessary and my fiance wants to invite her just so the situation will be settled. He does not think she will show up...but I don't trust her. Should I invite her because her daughter will be in the wedding? I can send her photos or a video...but I keep getting conflicting advice. Help!
