Hi- about 6 years ago when my daughter was 20 I married someone she was against. It did turn out to be a bad decision and I divorced him 5 weeks later. My daughter remained frosty.
Now at age 26 she is getting married and I find I am left out of all showers and wedding events. The MOG is included, but I have never even met her. I know nothing of the plans for the wedding day and, while invited, I have not been invited to the rehearsal dinner or pictures. I find her behavior extremely embarrassing and hurtful. I do not want to skip the wedding and have her hold that against me too, and yet I can't help but feel unwanted. I have had no support from family who suggest I "go along" because "we all know how difficult the bride is." Of course, they are all being invited to prewedding events.
I also find it humiliating my own daughter would behave so publicly rude. Am I off base? Do you recommend any strategy for me? Thank you.
It is difficult to be able to advise anything as this is just one half of the story. If you haven't had a relationship with your daughter in six years, it would seem awkward to, all of a sudden, be back in her life just because she is marrying--at least for her anyway.
Have you told her that you want to be a part of her life? Until she knows this, I doubt that you will be.
A wedding doesn't heal all wounds. The relationship has to be built.
For a year after my daughter (The Bride to Be) became angry, I sent her apology cards and "just because." notes She told me to stop sending them as they upset her. The second year I wrote her a personal note about once a month. The third year I called about every two weeks fro several months to ask her to lunch--she hung up on me. I have never gotten angry with her. The strange thing is we get together every Christmas and have a wonderful time. She tells me she is ready to "forgive" and misses me, but then the year goes the same way since Christmas. I always send her flowers on her birthday and valentine's day. but don't hear back. This Christmas after a wonderful couple hours with her and her sister, she told me about the wedding and said "You don't want any of your friends invited, do you?" These would have been all the people involved in her life the first 20 years. She said she wants to have a relationship with me, but starts on how she can't forgive my "betrayal" for marrying that man six years ago against her wishes.
My friends (hers too for the first 20 years--all the women who helped care for her) have planned a shower and my daughter accepted. This one I AM invited to. That has not occurred yet but will be very gracious and the MOG will be there. However, since then she has again refused to take my calls.
Should I bow out and not attend the wedding? Perhaps this would make her more comfortable. Or do I go and face the rudeness?
It is difficult to know what is going on, but this is a choice that only you can make. If you want to attend, you should. But, if these ladies are not invited to the wedding, they shouldn't be hosting a shower. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Your questions go beyond wedding etiquette. I would suggest seeing family therapy to help guide you through your relationship issues with your daughter. Of course, if you have an etiquette question, we would be happy to help. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
MOB Ignored
