Hi folks...here's my dilemma. My fiance's dad died when he was 5, and his mom never remarried. However, she's been dating/living with a guy named Terry for the last 10-12 years. They haven't married for financial reasons that are beyond the scope of my understanding, but they may as well be. However, my fiance doesn't refer to him as his "step-father", because technically he's not. He calls him "Pops" We are having a Jewish wedding, which means the parents will be standing up with us for the ceremony, and my fiance would like Terry to be up there with his mom. We have decided not to put Terry's name on the invitations...and everyone is ok with this, because we're just putting my parents and his mom. However, Terry's name will be on the program, and we don't know what to call him. He's not a step-father, because they're not married, and my fiance doesn't seem comfortable calling him that. Putting mom's "boyfriend" seems a little silly, and "partner" doesn't quite sound right either! Can you offer me any assistance with what we call him? My fiance seems uncomfortable with making it appear that his mom and Terry are married when their not, although he is perfectly comfortable with their relationship, and Terry has been a part of his life for a long time. Help please!
Firstly, you do not need to understand why your fiance's parents are not legally married, it's really no ones business and should not be discussed unless they WANT to discuss it. Many couples, especially older peole, decide not to legally marry since one of the partners may lose an income that was left to them by the deceased spouse. They may feel it is in the best interest of the child(ren) the deceased left behind to give them the life the parent intended for them. Some may even find themselves in a financial deficit if they were to marry. This mother may have felt it was a better decision not to go out and get a job so that she could be home doing the MOST IMPORTANT job of raising your fiance! That is HER decision.
What I don't understand is why the lack of a formal marriage license keeps your fiance from calling this man what I assume he truly is/was to him all these years...a stepfather. To my knowledge the term stepfather is not a legal term that is only allowed to be used in cases of legal marriage (unless we are referring to a legal document). Since the wedding program is not a legal document "Pops" could be referred to as the stepfather of the groom...if the groom, groom's mother and/or "Pops" all feel comfortable with it, that is.
If not, possibly Groom's Mother's significant other. ???
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Sep 3, 2004, 10:14 AM)
Maybe I'm taking this the wrong way, but I think your response was unnecesarily snippy concerning his mom. He's perfectly comfortable discussing why they're not married, I just don't really understand all the logistics of death benefits and such. That's all I meant. It is for financial reasons that they're not married, and my fiance told me about it when we first started dating.
I think that if he's not comfortable with calling him his step father, then we shouldn't use the term, even if all appearances point to him being in that role. He has never once used that term in the time I've known him, so I don't think it's appropriate to start using it just for the wedding. I guess "significant other" is the best option so far.
I am sorry you understood my answer to be "snippy", that was not my intention. My intention was to make clear to you that you need not understand why this couple never married since you did say "They haven't married for financial reasons that are beyond the scope of my understanding". Frankly, you came off sounding judgemental and I wanted to defend the parents and hopefully help you understand their position. Try to see things from their point of view and slect a title for this man who has obviously been important to your groom.
Ask the groom if he considers "Pops" more than just a family friend. He should insert the title HE is comfortable with. Consider the feelings of "Pops", whom I assume has been there for this groom as he grew up. Do you think he would want to be referred to as the family friend? That sounds rather cold to me. Maybe have the groom discuss this with his mother. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
He has tried to talk to his mom(and pops), and they have both said that they're happy with whatever he decides. I'm just asking the question here because he doesn't know what to do, and he's not the type to post things on a wedding website So I'm doing it on his behalf, because he doesn't know how to handle the situation!
Have a talk with your groom and ask him to think about what term best would describe his relationship with "pops". Not what he would call him but how he would introduce him to a stranger. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Thanks. I'll try that. I'm trying to remember what, if any term he used when I first started dating him and he told me about his family, but I'm drawing a blank.
Need help with title
So I'm doing it on his behalf, because he doesn't know how to handle the situation! 