My fiance and I both have families with interesting dynamics. As we began to plan our wedding, we took everyone’s feelings into consideration. All things considered, we thought it would be best to incur the total cost of the wedding ourselves and gracefully accept any help that either family was willing to offer.
My fiancé is a go-getter. In no time, we had booked the chapel and photographer, ordered the invitations, conceived decorating ideas, and planned the reception. During this time, no one offered us any financial help and we were fine with that (mainly because we were not expecting any). Additionally, this was the time in which we began to plan the wedding party. We decided to have her two sisters be her attendants while my brother and sister would serve as mine. We also wanted to honor our grandparents during the ceremony. We decided to have her grandfather welcome the guests to the ceremony and have my grandfather pray during it.
My fiancé’s relationship with her parents has not been the best for a while. Rightfully, she chose to distance herself from them for her own emotional and physical well-being. However, she expressed a desire make steps toward restoring their relationship. After much consideration, she asked her father to walk her down the aisle. He excitedly accepted.
After the initial planning phase, both families began to offer help. My parents said they would take care of the rehearsal dinner and flowers. Her parents offered to pay for the cake. We were thankful for the help.
Now here comes the dramatics. We told her mom that our invitations had been shipped. We told her when they arrived. We told her that we began to assemble them. At no time did her mom say that she would like to help send them. So we enlisted my fiance’s grandmother and my mom to help address the invitations. They set a day and time to do it and we thought everything was going fine. However, her mom found out about it and she became unusually upset (her mom and grandmother have not talked in years). She said that the grandmother was trying to take her place and take charge of the whole wedding. She was also offended that my mom had gone to the grandmother’s house before coming to her’s (the parents were supposed to meet the next week, but my parents have known the grandparents for at least 10 years). Her mom thought the grandmother had an elaborate dinner and invited my parents over just to spite her. The reality was that my mom simply went over there to address a few invitations.
Now my fiance’s mom is saying that she is backing out of helping and might not attend the wedding. We went to their house to discuss things, and it got very ugly. The mom and dad both started making accusations about us intentionally hurting their feelings. They said my fiancé was “glorifying and putting her grandmother on a pedestal.” We tried to point out that we wanted to include everyone who wanted to help and that her mom never said a word about helping send the invitations. We also mentioned that if any family was being glorified, it was theirs. We reiterated that the dad had the highest honor of walking her down the aisle and that her sisters would be standing by her side during the ceremony. None of that mattered. They said that we should have known better and it was proper etiquette for the MOB to send the invitations (how convenient that they neglected all other standard etiquette up to this point). To make matters horrible, the dad began to belittle my fiancé and bring up her past right in front of me. He yelled and screamed at her for 15 minutes about how much she had disappointed them and other things I will not mention.
So this is where we need advice. It is our opinion that being a part of our wedding is an honor and not a right. We feel that her dad lost that honor with his boarish behavior. Is it proper and what is the protocol for rescinding the request for him to walk her down that aisle?
Thank you for your time.
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Apr 12, 2007, 2:05 PM)
You are describing typical abusive behavior. At this point even what is considered proper etiquette would have to be over-looked. From your description, the parents behaved as little children and abusive bullies. There is no way I would want someone I loved near them. But, of course, it is her decision.
Proper etiquette is on your side as well, though. It is perfectly proper to rescind the offer if the person becomes abusive. Plus, it isn't proper etiquette today for the mother of the bride to help with the invitations. It is traditional because the parents paid. But, we don't live like this now.
I'm sorry this happened to both of you. But, this offers you a vivid picture of how you will not want to treat each other or possible future children.
Our story...please help.
