Our son is getting married in late spring...over the past month plans have been made, but as parents of the groom, we've not been included in any of the plans. We have been told "the wedding is an event planned by the bride & her mother, you may have great ideas, but this is our event". And to top it off..."the Rehearsal Dinner is yours...plan it however you want". Through my organization and opportunities over the past 30 years, I have planned many major events...including several weddings. In planning for the rehearsal dinner, we had mentioned putting together a video of them growing up...and my husband would do all the work as a labor of love. She has now informed us that she is going to hire someone from another state to do the video and our services aren't really needed. And the Rehearsal Dinner will be done the way she wants it, because it is HER wedding.
We're actually thinking we should have bologna sandwiches and call it quits right now. Please help us to understand how to corral this Bridezilla, who up until this point we thought we knew and now are really wondering if she's the person she's presented herself over the past year! Our feelings are so hurt and our son is caught in the middle...
Actually it isn't just her wedding. It is hers and her fiance's wedding. So, he and she would be planning every element together with consideration for their guests.
You are not obligated to host the rehearsal party any more. In fact, neither parent is financially responsible any more. So, you could offer the sandwiches and back away if you wish. But, please don't feel pressured to do more than you wish. If she wants to spend more than she needs to, that is her decision.
It is really unfortunate that she has chosen to act this way, and I'm sorry you're on the receiving end. While it may not be right, if her parents are paying for the wedding (and your son won't speak up), she does get to call the shots. Most couples are more progressive now, and most try to incorporate the ideas of both sides, but there's no rule saying they have to. It would help if your son, who like it or not IS in the middle, could help you open and clear the lines of communication. It really falls to him to put her in line.
That said, if you're paying for the rehearsal dinner per tradition, it IS your domain, and as long as you're the hosts, you should make the decisions. Just remember that using it to punish her is not the higher road, and ultimately, isn't going to make anything better. It will also embarrass you in front of your guests. As painful as it is, playing the grownups here is your most mature decision, and supporting your son is your most important role. If you keep your love for him at the center of your thoughts, hopefully it will get you through this process and into the post-wedding healing that you all need.
I'm very appreciative of your input and ideas on up-to-date information on what parents are/are not required to do. As I had mentioned before, it is our feeling that providing a nice Rehearsal Dinner is indeed a gift...needless to say, we are not only brokenhearted, but very disappointed.
"Here is a list of what yall are required to do at the rehearsal dinner: Now that I have told you, please don’t act like you don’t know what is going on, or feel left out. I will be sending you the groom’s parents responsibilities for the wedding as well.
1. Pay for the food
2. Decorate
This is all… XXXXX and I are going to do whatever we want to do at the rehearsal because this is about us. I hate that you felt the need to tell us that the rehearsal was a gift like we are not thankful. XXXXX and I are very thankful that you are so talented and that you will make the rehearsal dinner very memorable. We know what kind of money and time it is going to take to put that together, but we are also spending A Lot of money and time into the wedding. "
My husband and I are in shock that we've received an email with this tone...the email was 1 1/2 pages long. Once again, I'm asking for your help...in a major way!!! In your opinion, how should we react???
Thank you!
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Jan 22, 2008, 2:39 PM)
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(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Jul 12, 2008, 10:07 PM)
Oh, I am so sorry this is happening. If it makes it any easier, and I can't imagine it could but here we go, there are many young people today who feel that they are 'entitled' to anything they wish and can't understand why the world doesn't pay up faster. Most times we just stop them and say no. But, I'm not sure this is the best road to take in your case.
In this case and if it were me, I'd schedule some private time with my son. I'd let him read the email and let him know that I was hurt but will support any decisions he makes. I would also give a flat amount for the two of them to host and do nothing else. I would also mention that since none of us can agree, this may be best. But, that is just me.
So, this is one road you could take or you could give in. Either way it seems that there needs to be some open communication and it also seems that the relationship already needs some repair.
Maybe a suggestion to read this site and an etiquette book would be a great idea also. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Ah, yes, another member of the entitled generation.
Great advice from Rebecca.
I would like to offer an alternative suggestion, in case Rebecca's advice doesn't fit or work for you. I would speak to both of them as a couple. Sit them down along with a copy of this email and good wedding etiquette book. Explain why you're hurt. Remind them that you are not responsible to host or pay for anything surrounding this wedding and neither are her parents. There are no "groom's parents responsibilities anymore. It's all a gift. And, how do we behave when we receive a gift...? Remind the two that when someone offers to host an event FOR them, they need to graciously accept the offer and allow the hosts to arrange the party they can afford or one which they feel suits the event. Tell them you would be happy to discuss any aspects of the dinner arrangements but if there is going to be demands and expectations (i.e. attitude) they may have to host this shindig on their own.
Bridezilla's - please get over yourselves already. It's not all about you; never has been, never will. Weddings = family. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Rehearsal Dinner
