First time poster here...Thanks for providing this service.
I'm really struggling with this issue. Thanks in advance for any help.
My daughter who is 23 was living with her boyfriend. This was not the way she was raised. Her step mom and I urged her that if she was going to continue living with her boyfriend, they should get married. So in July '06 they went to Las Vegas and got married. Unfortunately we weren't told until some months later. But that's another story. So when she finally called to inform us that she was married, she asked my advice on if she should still have a wedding. I told her no, that there was no need since the vows were already spoken and to save their money. They are young and starting out and the money should be put to more practical use at this point. I suggested a type of 'celebration reception' on a smaller scale to invite close friends and relatives to to share in their happiness. Well, like most girls, they dream of a wedding from the time they are little girls and my daughter is no different. They have gone ahead and planned a wedding with a reception and sent out invitations. She wants me to give her away as well. Needless to say, this whole affair has been rather disjointed and I find it rather tasteless. I don't want to spoil my daughter's joy, but by the same token, this thing seems to be a big facade. Any ideas?
Joe
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
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Jul 6, 2007, 2:44 PM
Post #2 of 5
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Re: [JoeinAustin] Wedding after elopement
[In reply to]
Dear Joe -
Even though your daughter is grown, you are still her father and have some say about your involvement in this improper event. As you say, she is already married, and, she can only be married once. Perhaps you can convince her to simply have a party to celebrate the marriage that has already taken place; a wedding reception of sorts. This would make more sense and be more appropriate.
We, as parents, must stand up for what we believe and begin telling our children no (sorry, Joe, this is more for those who read this in the future than it is for you but it seems like a good opportunity to be heard on this subject).
This seems to be the generation of entitlement - we want it all, and we want it now. (and, we are special because our parents said so) Parents know that this isn't appropriate but they want their children to be happy and so they are willing to do whatever it takes. And, it's hard raising kids - much easier to say go ahead than to say the unpopular, NO. But, trust me, they won't be happy when others in the real world, who don't love them unconditionally, tell them no. And, in this case, I'm afraid there will be many invited guests who either say no and don't attend or they attend and giggle behind their backs or balk at the level of nerve to host a wedding when they are already married - as if to say they simply want a party with gifts.
So, parents, please start saying no, at a very early age to avoid this sort of entitlement.
And Joe, perhaps if you were to speak frankly to your daughter, letting her know why you feel this is wrong and that you don't want her to be embarrassed, maybe she'll come around.
Good Luck - Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Jul 6, 2007, 2:51 PM
Post #3 of 5
(698 views)
Re: [JoeinAustin] Wedding after elopement
[In reply to]
I completely agree. This isn't proper or appropriate. Just because some 'reality' show may have presented it doesn't make it acceptable. Unfortunately, we have that element to deal with as well.
Perhaps you could ask your daughter to also read our many posts on this very subject, this article on vow renewal etiquette, and any etiquette book. All of these sources will back up your view. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
JoeinAustin
Jul 6, 2007, 4:17 PM
Post #4 of 5
(688 views)
Re: [JoeinAustin] Wedding after elopement
[In reply to]
Thank you, ladies for your advice. The 'wedding' isn't until the first Saturday in October. Maybe the damage can still be controlled. I will reread the verbage on the invitation as I thought it was somewhat loose and opaque and forward this website and links to my daughter.
At this point I feel justified in not walking her down the aisle. If she decides to dig her heels in and have this thing regardless of what I and others feel, should I avoid the event altogether or attend and sit in the back? Or maybe I just go to the reception? Thanks again. Have a great weekend.
Joe
(This post was
edited by JoeinAustin on Jul 6, 2007, 4:19 PM)
TWQadmin
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Jul 7, 2007, 10:06 AM
Post #5 of 5
(670 views)
Re: [JoeinAustin] Wedding after elopement
[In reply to]
Boy Joe, that is a really personal decision. Maybe a few talks with your daughter under your belt would help you to make this decision. Hopefully she will see the benefit in your advice and make a good decision which will alleviate the need for you to make one on your own.
I applaud you for your excellent parenting skills and sense. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Wedding after elopement
