brother's wife and step children left out of wedding
Hello, I'm looking for advice to determine whether I'm being totally unreasonable or if my gripe actually has some validity to it. My youngest brother-in-law (22) is getting married to his fiance (19) next Friday. They have been planning this wedding since March. My husband is the best man, my two little ones have the positions of flower girl and ring bearer, but my daughters from a previous marriage (18 & 16)--that are officially adopted by my husband and we've been together for 11 years--and I were totally left out. I was initially upset and pointed it out to my husband only but the flame has been ignited once more and I'm fuming!
My brother-in-law has taken a job in our town and they want to come stay with us after the wedding. Of course, being the resentment harboring individual that I am, I said NO! If we are not good enough for the wedding, we shouldn't be good enough to come leech off of either. Yes, I agree it's hatefulness and a little bit of revengefulness, but is it justified to include everyone but us to begin with? Also, before I forget . . . my other brother-in-law's wife that cheated on him and was separated from him up until last December for over a year is a bridesmaid.
My husband is the oldest and when we got together, the brothers were young and really close to my girls. I am totally hurt that my mother-in-law didn't bring it to their attention sooner that we were excluded. I didn't want to be a bridesmaid but include us (the girls and I) with a gift or something. We could have presented the cushions to kneel on or the bible (yes, we are Catholic and Mex/Am!) but nothing.
Granted, I am older (36), and I am educated and a professional. Both sister in laws are uneducated and unemployed. My only thought is that my presence is intimidating to them and therefore, they wish to exclude me. I don't know. We have always had a good relationship with the entire family and his parents have always treated my older girls as their own. But all this makes me wonder.
Let me know what everyone thinks about the situation. My poor husband is all hurt feelings because I'm being extremely difficult. I have vowed to make it known that I am mad FOREVER! Family gatherings and holidays have always been in our house for which I've done all the work before and after and I have vowed--NO MORE!
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Dec 15, 2007, 1:25 PM
Post #2 of 5
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Re: [mom_of_4] brother's wife and step children left out of wedding
[In reply to]
If you mean that you were not invited to the wedding then, yes, you and your daughters should have been invited. However, if you are hurt becuse you weren't asked to be a member of the bridal party then my answer is no, your brother-in-law is within his rights to ask his closest friends and family members. Not everyone has to be asked and, in many cases, not everyone can be asked. The bridal couple gets to choose. if you were not chosen, you may feel hurt, but you're not entitled to a role, sorry.
Now, before I extend my next bit of advice, remember that you asked. I think your behavior is unbecoming of an adult and is a very poor example to be setting for your children. Please reconsider and apologize to everyone involved. It isn't too late to recover. Consider your relationship with your husband...
There are so many other horrible issues in the world to be hurt about - sickness, death, war, etc. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Fr. Anderson
EPISCOPAL PRIEST
Dec 15, 2007, 2:47 PM
Post #3 of 5
(699 views)
Re: [mom_of_4] brother's wife and step children left out of wedding
[In reply to]
Dear Mom of 4
Perhaps a "time out" is in order. In any event this sounds like a perfect show for Dr. Phil.
I am still trying to unravel most of it but from what I understand and to make this short. You have nothing to be upset about. It's not your wedding. I would suggest anger managment courses and perhaps some counselling with your husband because if your not careful... You may not have one for long...
Take a deep breath, say a prayer and count your own blessings. A man adopted your children. Rare in this day and age. He has been there for you and them for 11 years now. You have children together. As a man who has adopted (three daughters) it takes a big heart and a patient soul.
Be the family model that everyone else aspires to. Weddings are a moment in time. The marriage is what must remain. This is your chance to show your family what a real live marriage looks like. Don't miss this opportunity. I have a feeling you can be a bigger person than this.
Good Luck and take it easy on your husband. Men aren't always wrong... Father Anderson, Episcopal Priest http://www.fatheranderson.com
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Dec 15, 2007, 5:57 PM
Post #4 of 5
(690 views)
Re: [mom_of_4] brother's wife and step children left out of wedding
[In reply to]
I completely agree with all that has been said--very wise and very well put indeed. In the etiquette world, it is you who has been impolite. It just may be best to begin to mend your fences.
Your mother in law shouldn't have been involved in any of this and to bring her into it isn't fair. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Dec 15, 2007, 6:46 PM)
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Dec 16, 2007, 1:11 PM
Post #5 of 5
(673 views)
Re: [mom_of_4] brother's wife and step children left out of wedding
[In reply to]
First of all I give you credit for asking us whether or not we think you're being unreasonable or expecting too much in the situation. Lot's of people would not even ask this question because they would be convinced that they were right. So I think the fact that you have some doubts, tells me your open to alternatives. And that's a good place to start because you've been given a number of alternative positions to consider here most of which I am in agreement with.
I will try to help you by pointing out with your own words, what I think you are missing right now. When something angers us and we think about it a great deal, it gets bigger and has such a devastating impact on us that we sometimes feel like we can't control it so we then decide we must be justified to be this angry. As said in one of the responses, the wedding is a gliche in time, and your marriage and relationships within the family are what count most and can be actually trusted more than any one simple decision about who to include or not include in a special way in a ceremony. You said...
I don't know. We have always had a good relationship with the entire family and his parents have always treated my older girls as their own. But all this makes me wonder.
My poor husband is all hurt feelings because I'm being extremely difficult. I have vowed to make it known that I am mad FOREVER! Family gatherings and holidays have always been in our house for which I've done all the work before and after and I have vowed--NO MORE!
In saying this you are telling us that up until now things have been great, obviously your husband and his parents totally accepted your girls and treated them as their own, even the younger brothers who were close. And yes you did host all of the events but that even tells me moreso that there is tremendous inclusiveness in this family which is rare in blended families, and trust me, I know a lot of blended families. So this is something to be cherished.
If you choose to stay angry, you are taking what is a minor annoyance and making it into something that could destroy your family relationships, not to mention hurt your husband who doesn't seem to be the source of any of these problems from what you mentioned. Staying in anger, dwelling on it and choosing to change everything because of it, is your choice and you will have to deal with the consequences of it.
Also consider that maybe you have been more upset about doing all of the family gatherings yourself than you had realized so it might be time to share this responsiblity with others. However, if they didn't know this bothered you before, then why would they have done anything different. Why throw out everything you have because of one disappointment that you have decided rewrites all of history and tarnishes all of the relationships you've enjoyed up to now? Nothing justifies that and you will all suffer.
Most of us never get the chance to see what the devastating effects of anger are on our lives long-term and most of us are guilty for holding on to some form of grudge or other, so you're simply human for doing this. But I'm here to tell you that it serves absolutely no positive purpose in your life at this point and will only make things worse for you.
If you would like some help with how to manage your anger and resentment around this I will suggest a great website called rebt.org They are professionals in helping people figure out how to challenge the thoughts that lead us to anger and then create even more misery in our lives than we already thought we had. The point is we can take a situation that we don't like and turn it into something that makes us completely miserable and we do that ourselves by how we choose to think about it. But the good news, is we can also choose to think about things in ways that will ensure us less distress and more contentment if we are willing to try.
Best of Luck in all of this. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Dec 16, 2007, 1:25 PM)
brother's wife and step children left out of wedding
