I am not sure if I am doing this correctly, but I really need some help.
My daughter has just become engaged and we have a problem. She wants to envite her ex-step dad and his new wife. We had one of the worst divorces anyone could imagine.(jail, retraining orders..etc) but she feels that is between the ex and me(mom). I had to go to counseling 3 times a week for 5 years just to be able to hear his name and I don't feel that I can attend with him there. This is my only child and her 1st wedding. I would love to help plan the wedding and be a part of this special day, how do I get to the point that its OK for the ex-step and new wife to attend?
I am saddened to depths of my soul over this. Please help.
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
This is a difficult situation but one that more and more families are facing as a result of stepfamilies being so prevalent. I'm assuming that your daughter must have had a close relationship with her stepdad and as a result she wants him to be there even though you experienced such a difficult break-up. There is really no easy answer or foolproof way of you getting past all of the feelings you had about your ex or still do have. Bottomline if you have shared with her your discomfort about this and if she has still decided that this is a person that would like to share her day with, then it would seem that the decision has been made.
Now it is your turn to decide the extent to which you are going to let this effect you and ruin or not ruin your experience of the day. I would not say that you should expect to be comfortable around this person, because that would be raising expectations that just simply won't be met, therefore leading to more disappointment. Sometimes we just have to accept the reality of the situation and in the acceptance, we are actually acknowledging that this situation is what it is, that it is not larger than life and that by choosing to be at the wedding (if you do) you are saying I will not let life's uncomfortable circumstances rob me of the opportunity to enjoy life's more pleasurable moments, such as your daughter's wedding.
It won't be comfortable and so under those circumstances, it would be wise to ask your daughter to arrange things practically so that you have as little contact with them as possible (ie. the seating arrangement). The other thing that you can do is to not dwell on this and keep thinking about how unfair it is that you have to find yourself in this situation. The simple reality of it is that you had a relationship that didn't work out and an obvious by-product of that union was some form of relationship between your daughter and your ex. You may not like that but it is a fact. So by further denying it or thinking about how much you would like it to be different, you add to your current distress. What you think about this and how much time you give to your thoughts about it, is all within your control and will either serve to distress you more or to help you get yourself through this.
Try imagining yourself going through the day focussed on your daughter, her special day, and her bright new life ahead of her and not giving yourself over to thoughts about how horrible it is that your ex is there. This will only dampen your mood and possibly your daughter's experience of the day. I believe you can alter your own feelings of powerlessness and anger about this simply by redirecting your thoughts to your daughter and also to how strong you are and how far you have come to be able to be in the same room with someone that you had once thought you couldn't bare to see any longer. It may end up proving to be a day or victory for you over this as you face what is difficult (accepting that it will be) but not let it ruin the happy experience of your daughter's wedding day.
Best of luck. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
ex step dad
