I think this is the right place for this question because there are other guest list questions here, but I"m not sure. Please move it if it's not. Thanks. :)
My fiance has a small family and due to a job that takes him all over the world at a moment's whim, he doesn't have a large social circle. When it comes to the wedding list, his is a total of ten people: his parents, his sister, his sister's husband and kids, and his uncle who is also his best friend. Well, aside from me.
On the other hand, I have a large, close family. I also have many very close friends. My list is 102 people. 56 are A list and 46 are B list...
The issue gets more complicated because we don't know what country to have the wedding in. He's British and I'm American. His guests are in England and mine are here. If we have the ceremony in America that would be better for the majority of our guests, but if even one of his guests can't make it then that's ten percent of his core family that can't attend. If we have it in England it would be way too expensive for most of my guests and I'm sure sixty to eighty percent won't be able to afford it. And I've always dreamed of the big wedding. A wedding with less than 75 people would be heartbreaking for me. He's of the "the wedding is about the bride" mentality.
Having read other guest list posts I've noticed you ask who is paying for it. We've not consulted the parents yet, but he's 29 and has been out on his own for a whlie, so I doubt very much his parents will help. I am 21 and when my older sister got married, my parents asked her to give them certain areas to be in charge of and they paid for that. They ended up paying for the alcohol, and bridal party hotel rooms, I think it ended up being about 2,000. So I anticipate something around that. I'm in college so I won't be able to put in much money, but I'm very crafty and plan on putting a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into being creative to help with affordability. So my fiance will be paying for the bulk of the wedding.
We don't have a date yet, but the earliest would be a year from now after I gradutate college, so we have a few months at least to figure this out. I'm hoping the date will be between a year and two years from now.
As far as which would be cheaper, England or America, I haven't crunched numbers but I think they might be equal. England is more expensive in general, but he owns a house there and we can use that for our reception, since I don't anticipate more than fifty, at most, attending there. Where as in America we'd have to rent a hall or something. (I will be getting married in a church in either country).
I really need advice on how to reconcile the two very different lists. We haven't asked our parents for input yet. His family moved around a lot when he was growing up so I doubt many, if any, long standing family friends will pop up. My mom, on the other hand, will ask me to invite lots of great aunts and uncles I've not seen since I was two. I know because I was there when my sister had the "who should I invite" conversatoin with my parents. So my b list will grow, while even if his list doubles it won't be more than twenty.
How do I figure this out?
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
May 16, 2007, 10:37 AM
Post #2 of 4
(826 views)
Re: [ericslittleone] his guest list is much smaller
[In reply to]
Dear Ericslittleone,
First of all, you need to know what your budget is. Parents are no longer financially responsible nor do they invite. This is fair on all accounts. If your fiance is funding most of your wedding, as he and you should be, it isn't fair for either set of parents to invite or pressure you to invite anyone. Keep the guest list down to who you can comfortably host.
A 'B' list can get you into very hot water. If it isn't handled correctly your B list guests will know that they were not on the first list and their feelings will be hurt.
You could marry here and have a second reception in England. That would probably be the easiest and fairest thing to do. You could play the video of the ceremony during the reception so the guests feel as if they are a part of the event.
Re: [Et.byRebecca] his guest list is much smaller
[In reply to]
I told my FH that I asked this site for advice and he was very surprised. He said he could bring a lot of cousins out of the closet if I wanted him to. He was very cute and perplexed about it.
And I know, if my parents can't pay I won't be miffed. Well, I might, because I've helped them financially in the past, but that's a more personal reason. I know they're not obligated, etiquette wise. And as far as them asking me to invite certain people, I know the rules for that and have no real problem with it.. that's why I said the B list would get more invites. If we can afford it, we'll invite anyone they come up with that I didn't. If not, we won't.
While the B list can be a bad idea, most of my family and friends are scattered all over the country and I will not likely run into people talking loudly at the water cooler. Plus, I will ask by word of mouth beforehand if people think they come and use the projected declines to add B list people to the list before the first batch of invitations go out.
He said we should get married in the US. I said what about your family? And he said they'd come, firmly. And "I love the US. It's a great place." So that was his decision on the matter. (It might not sound amazingly romantic to you but every little thing he says makes my heart happy).
As far as coming up with the budget, we're saving for it at this time. So bascially starting with the guest list is the best idea for us because we can think "if I really really want 112 people then feasibly that will cost X amount if reception is X amount per head... can we reasonably save that much money in X amount of time? If not, how about with 75 guests?" etc. So the guest list will help us determine how much to budget/save.
And 100 people isn't so big, so maybe we can invite everyone. I am a thrifty, crafty, creative kind of girl.
But basically, I'm just replying to let you know how it's turend out in this stage. . .
Thanks for the feedback!
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
May 17, 2007, 12:49 PM
Post #4 of 4
(790 views)
Re: [ericslittleone] his guest list is much smaller
[In reply to]
It all sounds very good. I think you are on the right track.
He sounds as if he is a very great person and you two should be extremely happy. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
his guest list is much smaller
