My mother in law has agreed to pay for the flowers, but when I ordered them with her and the family she didn't seem happy. One of the flowers on the list was the remembrance bouquet ($40), my family is very traditional that this be there. Should I just tell her I will pay for it? She wanted to get just one rose, but that would not go over well with my family since we are remembering 6 people.
We had a problem in the beginning with money and how much they were going to contribute since they would not give us an amount. I told Aaron they didn't have to contribute anything. The MOG said some mean things that I over heard about my parents and that she is not suppose to pay for anything that they should pay for. How rude! Of course this started an argument.
I have had other issues as well and would love to hear suggestions since I don't want to ruin the relationship we just started building (if I haven't already ruined it)...You want to hear some more issues I have....
My bridesmaids are wearing red and I really wanted the mothers to wear a neutral color which I told them I preferred black and then dress it up with red jewerly or other accessories. Well, the MOG was not happy at all. She wanted to wear red as well to match the bridesmaids color. My mother said she would find a neutral dress but I am afraid that the MOG will show up in red and the pictures are going to not look good. Plus she will showup my mother. She just lost a lot of weight, so I don't know if that is why. I feel that this is my day and I don't understand why she is doing this to me. This started the first fight. The only problem is that it seems to be a fight with my fiance in the middle, which started affecting our relationship. My parents are very upset since they see me upset and are spending a lot of money on this wedding. His parents are giving us 2,000 for misc, then paying for the flowers which was $900 (I think this is cheap! Although the centerpieces are not included in this price since we budgeted them for $400 of them out of the 2,000 misc.) and then also the rehearsal dinner which will run about $700 if we invite only the necessary people. We are very greatful for this, but am I obligated to have it there way since they are paying for it? My father was upset and told my fiance and I that they can pay for their guests meal and he will cover everything else (which my fiance told his parents), The MOG said she was hurt by this and can't believe that my father would say this. Does she not see that she is hurting me and that my father only said that because he is hurt because he can't help the situation? (although it didn't help it by what he said)
Next we had the flower issue. My fiance is very close to his mother and I am sure it is hard for him to deal with all this. Now it is all coming as if it is only my fault. The horrible future daughter in law. Is everything they agreed to pay for going to be a struggle. My fiance told them that we will cover it, but then they said "we are not good enough".
Now, the current issue is that she wants the rehearsal dinner at her new house. It was not our idea both my fiance and I wanted it at a restaurant. We thought maybe it was the expense, so we told them we would pay for it and they said no we are not. Although my fiance is doing most of the talking, I feel that when he tells me what is going on, his parents are blaming everything on me as if it is all my idea. She said that she can't believe that I don't have any faith in her, but it has nothing to do with faith. It is just not what I planned, especially since we are having a large wedding (over 400 invited) and a large bridal party. Then to top if all off, the place we are getting married (rehearsal) is 25-30 minutes away from their house. Which is a long drive since it is out of the way for everyone. Most will have over a 45 minute drive home and our rehearsal is on a Thursday night and doesn't start until 6pm. I told them that this concerned me but they seem like they already made up their mind. I feel like this is a control issue with me and his mother and I don't know what to do. I don't even want to see her. She told my fiance that everything she says to me is not right. But do I have to take her opinion? And if I don't why does she get upset with me? She laughs when I disagree with my mother, but when I disagree with her it turns into an argument. I am stressing and feel like I can't include her in anything anymore like I have been doing (She has been invited to everything from shopping for my dress to flowers, cake, the flower garden we are getting married in and everything. Sorry for the book I just wrote. Any advise will be helpful!
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on May 13, 2005, 5:17 PM)
TWQadmin
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Post #2 of 4
(2834 views)
Re: [stacie26] ISSUES HELP PLEASE....
[In reply to]
Most of these issues are personal, relationship sort of issues. I will try to address as much as possible but since there is always three sides to every story, we may be missing some pieces.
Firstly, let me go on record here by saying there is no obligation on any parent's part to pay for a wedding for their children, daughter or son. In these modern times, where couples are waiting to marry later in life and are often out and living on their own, many times the couple actually foots the entire bill. So, the old days of "bride's parents pay for...and groom's parents pay for...is really a thing of the past. Accept any and all "gifts" offered graciously.
So, on to the flowers' issue. If your inlaws didn't specify a dollar amount for the flowers and simply said they would purchase the flowers then they should either be there with you helping to make the selections within their budget; allowing you to add in and pay for any extras they cannot afford or they will have to pay the bill for the flowers you and their son have selected. Allow your groom to handle this with his parents. Perhaps they don't know how important this extra little bouquet is to you?
RE: The rehearsal dinner. Since your inlaws have graciously offered to host this event it is up to them to decide the particulars of the dinner. Where they have it and what they serve is totally their call. They are hosting this dinner for you and you should be a guest. As a guest you and your fiance will have no choices unless asked. Believe me when I tell you that in ten years this will all be a vague memory...unles you choose to make it a war. Then, in that case, everyone will remember all of the bad feelings and it could cause a rift in your relationship.
RE: Mother's Dresses. Mother of the bride gets to select her dress first and her selection should be of a coordinating color with the bridesmaid's dresses, not the same color. Once the MOB selects her dress she should let the MOG know about her choice and the MOG will then select another coordinating color, again not the same color. However, if either mother is hell bent on wearing a certain color all you can do is let them know your preference, and what is socially acceptable, and leave the choice up to them. None of these details are worth a lifetime of grief. I'd suggest though, that you refrain from discussing either set of parents with the other and also please allow your groom to do all of the talking with his parents well out of your earshot. This way, you remain the good guy and no parents or bride or groom ever hears something bad about themselves.
Again, you'll be spending a lifetime relating to these people, the wedding is only one of those days. Long after the wedding cake is eaten and the colors of the flowers fade, you will all be having Thanksgiving dinner conversation. Make a conscience decision to pick your battles and fight only when you feel very strongly about something that truly matters.
Best of luck to all of you... Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Post #3 of 4
(2829 views)
Re: [stacie26] who pays for the flowers?
[In reply to]
Dear Who Pays,
The Wedding Queen is etiquette 'ly' correct in every step. I completely agree.
Re: [stacie26] who pays for the flowers?
[In reply to]
Stacie my dear.....You have to let go a bit. If all this bickering and subversive stuff does not stop you are going to be doomed. Turn this around now... Let your Mother in Law take the lead on some of this stuff. It won't be that bad...she raised the man you love..how about a little credit. Realise there is a lot more going on here under the surface. You are engaging in a tug of war/love and nobody can win. You can only change your behavior...nobody elses...so do not feed this fire. If the $40 bouquet is important to you get it yourself...It is not something you have to justify to her or worth arguing about. When you disagree just aknowledge her opinion. She has a right to it. She probably is also feeling she is loosing her son and is holding on for all she is worth. Please, if you value your future do not engage in this WAR..It will be too hard to win..or to loose! Learn to bend in the wind...don't stiffen up and snap. Take care of yourself and be careful...keep the eye on the long term gain...lotsa love...Flowersue Sue of Hobart's Fine Florals http://www.hobartsfineflorals.com
who pays for the wedding flowers?
Stacie my dear.....You have to let go a bit. If all this bickering and subversive stuff does not stop you are going to be doomed. Turn this around now... Let your Mother in Law take the lead on some of this stuff. It won't be that bad...she raised the man you love..how about a little credit. Realise there is a lot more going on here under the surface. You are engaging in a tug of war/love and nobody can win. You can only change your behavior...nobody elses...so do not feed this fire. If the $40 bouquet is important to you get it yourself...It is not something you have to justify to her or worth arguing about. 