My husband and I recently got married and hosted a beautiful wedding for our closest friends and family. We tried not to expect gifts, however we were very selective about our guest list based on the people we felt closest to in our lives, and who we felt would support our marriage. We had never lived togehter previously and are actually in desperate need of household essentials (a fact that all of our guests were aware of). Yet 14 of our guests did not bring a gift at all to the wedding. We are not trying to be greedy and we genuinely appreciated even the smallest gift from our guests. We feel insulted (as do our immediate families who paid for the wedding) that these 14 of our "nearest and dearest" friends would disregard the needs of our new lives and take advantage of a free party. Are we overreacting and is there anything we can do to save these friendships? Or is this a normal amount of guests to "forget" a gift?
Of course they have about a year to give you the gifts, but you said that they all know you need the gifts now. I think you can feel disappointed because guests should probably bring gifts to a wedding.
When you mentioned receiving gifts and selecting guests who might support you in the same sentence they might have gifted or might have supported, are supporting, and may support you both in the future in different ways about which you did not think.
Sometimes people just don’t think or sometimes people are in need, like you both, and they cannot buy a lot of things for others.
Gifts would be nice, necessities especially, but not receiving them would probably not be a reason for loosing the friends you said were the closest, “nearest and dearist,” in your lives.
Actually, it is a misunderstanding that guests have up to a year to give wedding gifts. Gifts should be sent to the home of the bride before the wedding, technically. However, your guests may not know this.
So, consider that you hosted this party in honor of your love and not in order to receive gifts and you should feel fulfilled. Your friends took the time to attend and show their care for you and that should be the focus. Also consider that they may be in financial straits, as many are these days. Don't throw away a fond relationship because of a gift issue. This is probably not a reflection of your relationship. Move on and enjoy the wedding memories. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
I couldn't agree more. The real gift from your friends is their attendance. And, no one should have known who gave and who didn't, and that there were some that gave and some who did not except the two of you. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Thank you for your responses. I would like to clarify that we are not including in those 14 guests, those who are financially unable to give a gift (which there were several of those also), and we do consider Their presence at our wedding a very generous gift. The 14 guests I was referring to are completely financially able to give gifts. Also as I said before, we greatly appreciated even the smallest gesture (a heartfelt letter, or a small picture frame) just as much as the bigger ones, and these guests gave us absolutely nothing. I feel I should mention that this was a formal, traditional, Catholic wedding with an elaborate reception. They really have made us feel that they only came for the party not the people. As it is we have not heard from any of them since the wedding (over a month ago). Again, my question is: Is this a normal issue to encounter, and a normal amount of guests to not bring gifts? Or are just our friends particularly lacking in social graces?
Of course they should have sent a gift. You can read that in any etiquette book. But, they didn't and you cannot ask them why. So, you either have to decide if they are friends you want to keep or move away from.
Normal? Shrug. I've heard all sorts of stories on this board, many like yours. If it makes you feel better, my in-laws never gave my husband and I a wedding gift. That's probably abnormal but I didn't/don't worry about it because they were his parents and we loved them. Who knows why people do, or don't do, these things? I would try not to let a few guests who didn't send a gift spoil my day and my memories. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
I always advise that if attending a wedding, one should send a gift to the couple. But, many guests are rebelling against the gift giving craze we are experiencing in our society right now. Miss Manners ranted about this not too long ago. Too many couples expect and request multiple showers and register for expensive gifts, besides expecting their guests to contribute to their honeymoon. This may not be the case with you, but this is just one of the many factors why so many guests are not giving these days.
The wedding should be about the uniting of two people and not about who gave what. And, the expense or formality of the wedding shouldn't dictate what the gift haul will be. Hopefully, this reality may help with forgiving those who did not give. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Guests with no gifts
This may not be the case with you, but this is just one of the many factors why so many guests are not giving these days. 