We had a small wedding in Chicago and invited just essential people. Total came to about 20. We received cards and gifts from every one except one couple. My wife's aunt & uncle. I think perhaps they had given it to me at the pre-party and it got lost but i could be imaging that last part They certainly doing well enough and are in tune with the world to know that if you go to a wedding you give a gift. Now how can i determine if they intended to give us a gift but we lost it vs. they had no intention on giving one at all. The latter I find unlikely given they are wealthy and the husband works in a business environment and would be aware of the protocols.
I want to know if they gave us no gift or card - in which case I will probably have a hard time speaking to them again.
I want to know if we lost it and they had in fact given it.
What do you suggest to say this nicely to the family over the phone. I am very poor at being polite and beating around the bush. Any tips on how I can get to the bottom of this mystery.
My wife who is less obsessive than I makes up the excuse that maybe they thought by traveling to the wedding is an adequate gift. Or that they bought us dinner about 2 years ago. I find those inadequat to explain this situation.
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Sep 30, 2009, 8:00 AM)
TWQadmin
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Post #2 of 3
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Re: How to Know if Wedding Guest Gave a Gift
[In reply to]
Please note that this question has been addressed many times before, so please follow the rules and search for your answer before posting.
In any event, you shouldn't be expecting gifts, even though etiquette suggests that wedding guests should send a gift to the home of the bride before the wedding (which is in place for the very reason you're posting about).
There are lots of reasons someone may not give a gift; maybe they don't know they should, maybe they are financially stressed (you won't necessarily know about this) or maybe the gift was lost. To stop talking to these people you deemed "essential" seems petty. After all, did you marry to receive gifts or to publicly declare your commitment to one another?
If the gift was lost, maybe your aunt and uncle are wondering why you're being so rude as to not acknowledge their gift? Please don't jump to conclusions or base your future relationship on the almighty dollar. Statistics show that finances are the reason most couples have problems, many leading to divorce. Never put money/things before people. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Sep 30, 2009, 8:13 AM)
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Post #3 of 3
(230 views)
Re: How to Know if Wedding Guest Gave a Gift
[In reply to]
I couldn't agree more. And, I must also agree with your assessment of yourself, "I am very poor at being polite." To judge someone because they didn't give you a gift is not polite. To expect gifts is not polite. But, to state that it would be difficult to talk to someone if they didn't give you a gift is very impolite.
It sounds like your event was very confusing by the very fact that you had a "pre-party". There is no such thing and might be very confusing for guests. So, if you confuse guests, there might be confusion about gift giving as well. Most often guests feel that more gifts are expected though.
However, we do often host "welcome" parties for our destination weddings. It is usually a party where we welcome all those who traveled by offering them a few drinks--or something similar, nothing major.
The bottom line is that you really should send thank you notes to those who gave gifts. So, you would need to know who gave what. Usually we use some detective work to find out if there is a missing gift. Your wife could ask her mother to play the detective. She can mention something about a few gifts without tags and ask if the uncle or aunt saw who gave what and hope that he mentions what he gave. This should be subtle. If the uncle doesn't mention anything, then the thank you note will have to be very general.
This is another huge reason gifts should be shipped to the home before the wedding. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
How to Know if Wedding Guest Gave a Gift
