My friend got married in May of '08 in a private ceremony that included the parents, siblings, grandparents, myself, and another friend.
Before the wedding, my friend's mother threw her a shower. I could not attend, but I dropped off a gift at her house. I did not receive a thank you note.
For the ceremony, I showed up with a small gift off their registry and a substantial monetary gift. I did not receive a thank you note.
I, along with my parents, attended one of her two "real" receptions and together we went in on a monetary gift. We received no thank you notes.
I was talking to a close friend of mine (and also a friend of the bride's) on the phone and she mentioned that she recieved a thank you note from the bride. My friend was not in attendance at either of the two showers, the wedding ceremony/mini reception, or nor either of the two receptions... and yet she received a thank you note because she sent a gift.
Is there anyway to address this issue? I can't help but feel that this is extremely rude to not only me, but my parents as well and I can't seem to shake the ill feelings I have towards her and her husband regarding this.
Thanks!
(This post was
edited by answersneeded on Dec 11, 2008, 11:43 PM)
It isn't polite to point out other's etiquette infractions. So, it is best to take this as a lesson that this particular bride doesn't know that she is obligated to write thank you notes to everyone who gives a gift. In fact, there was a lot of things she didn't know. There shouldn't have been any showers for her and her mother shouldn't have hosted.
But, there are a few things (minor) you didn't know either, which will be my etiquette infraction. You are not obligated to give a shower gift if not attending. Wedding gifts are shipped to the home of the couple, not brought to the wedding or reception. You really didn't need to give the couple a gift and cash either. And, gifts are given for the wedding, not reception. So, your parents were not obligated to give a gift.
I suppose the point is that you seem to be an overly generous person. Not everyone is or can be, which could make your generous manner seem as if you can afford more than others, as if it is "no big deal". So, if you wish to give a gift, do it because this is something you want to do, but please don't expect that others will be grateful. Sometimes they just aren't because they feel "entitled" or sometimes they just don't know how to relay it.
Perhaps writing thank you notes and the reasons for doing so should be required subjects in school.
Just to clarify... I did not give my friend gifts to receive an honor, recognition, or to brag. I gave her gifts because I wanted to let her know I was happy for her, thinking of her, and because she was getting married. Planning my wedding was fun and exciting. Perhaps I assumed the same for my friend and was therefore overly excited for her and gave to share my excitement. Weddings are also a time (I believe) to be a bit generous.
I don't think I really understand what you meant by: "please don't expect that others will be grateful. Sometimes they just aren't because they feel 'entitled' or sometimes they just don't know how to relay it." Could you clarify this for me? I have to be honest, I do expect others to show gratitude of some form when they receive a gift... any type of gift. That should be part of etiquette too.
I agree! Thank you note writing should be taught in school. I've found that people's feelings get hurt when they don't receive any form of a thank you when thought, effort, and often times money have been put forward.
Weddings may be a time for excitement, but not everyone can be or may even want to be that generous any more. Too many have engaged in a blatant gift grab mentality (mega and multiple showers for example) for so long that others have become a bit jaded about giving. Miss Manners has been ranting about it for years. And with the economy in the mess it is right now, many can not give what they would like to give; they have other priorities to consider. But, I do believe, as it seems that you do, that we do, or should, give gifts to those with whom we are close. We give because we want to give and not because we want to be thanked. It may be good etiquette for the recipient to do so. But, it should not our reason to give.
And, as for "please don't expect that others will be grateful. Sometimes they just aren't because they feel 'entitled' or sometimes they just don't know how to relay it": unfortunately many do believe that because they are marrying, or retiring, or buying their first home, or whatever their rite of passage is, are entitled to gifts from all of those around them--that everyone should want to give to them. Well, this just isn't true. We all have something going on in our lives that is important to us and for many these days that could be unemployment and homelessness. But for the entitled people, they just feel that they deserve gifts and are not grateful to those who do give, because, of course, you are supposed to give.
And for those who do not know how to relay their gratefulness: there are some who just don't have those soft people skill we call "etiquette"; they don't realize how important it is. And some just don't know how to show their feelings, so they may seem ungrateful when in fact they are very grateful. In either case, they probably wouldn't realize the importance of thank you notes or a simple call to verbalize how thankful they are. Hopefully more will read posts like this and realize how their behavior is unintentionally hurting others. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
I think your issue here is, why did this friend send thank you notes to some other guests and not to you. Who knows - only the recipient. If it were just one time, one gift, I'd say blow it off. The note may have been lost in the mail. But since you've said she ignored several of your gifts, this may be an issue. If she is a very close friend, perhaps a heart-to-heart talk is in order to clear the air. You could wade into the issue slightly by asking her how she liked the gift and see where that takes you. Always explain how YOU feel and not how the other person MADE you feel. That is less threatening.
All that said, take the emphasis off gifts and you solve the entire issue. Give gifts for the right reason, because you like to give, not because it's expected. If the recipient doesn't seem to appreciate your gift, don't repeat. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
No thank you note received
You are not obligated to give a shower gift if not attending. Wedding gifts are shipped to the home of the couple, not brought to the wedding or reception. You really didn't need to give the couple a gift and cash either. And, gifts are given for the wedding, not reception. So, your parents were not obligated to give a gift. 
