I was recently a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding. I helped host a bridal shower which involved time and money and I also gave a gift at the shower. I was invited to several other bridal showers, engagement party, etc..., but was unable to attend these events. Some weeks after the wedding I was sent an e-mail saying that there were several gifts that they were unsure about who had given them and was one of the gifts listed given by me. I responded that I had not given them those items. I then received another e-mail asking had they missed what I had given them. I responded that I had already received a thank you note for giving her the shower and the gift. I then received another e-mail stating that she knew that she had sent a thank you for the 'shower gift' and for giving her the bridal shower, but did not know if I had given her a 'wedding gift or not'. She was very specific in making the difference between the 'shower gift' and the 'wedding gift'. I know the bride well and know by her e-mail and from past experience with her and others that she is hinting around about getting 2 gifts. I really wanted to get her another gift, not only because she is my friend, but also because I knew that she was expecting it, however, I am financially strapped at this time and feel that my gift, as well as, my active and financial participation in the bridal shower and wedding should be enough. Am I wrong? I'm feeling upset with her, but also a little guilty at the same time. I just want a honest, unbiased answer from a Wedding Etiquette Expert. Thanks in advance for your help in this matter.
It was incredibly impolite of her to ask you for a gift. And, that was exactly what she was doing. It was also tacky for her to have more than two showers.
Unfortunately, although gifts should never be expected, a wedding gift is expected even though you hosted a shower and gave a shower gift. Attendants often give a joint gift since their expenses are high for a wedding though.
I do agree with you that two gifts, especially for the modern woman, is not necessary these days and is a bit much. Many brides are realizing this and opting for the gift-less shower. But, until that trend catches on in a bigger way, we are stuck with the two gifts from some.
Bottom line: you were expected to give two gifts, whether jointly or individually.
Even though, as Rebecca said, you were expected to send a gift, this "friend" should never have asked. You might want to consider re-evaluating this "friendship". Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Wedding/Shower Gifts
