I admit it has been a long time since I have been to a wedding, probably about 15 years. I need help! Recently we attended the wedding of my brother in law's step-daughter. I had gone to the bridal shower and given a gift. We enjoyed ourselves at the wedding and thanked our hosts before we left. Today my brother in law came over and told me that out of all the guests, we were the only ones who did not leave a card with cash in it. He said I should give a hundred dollars, and that if I needed the money he would give it to me. I was mortified. First that I had not done the right thing in assuming that the shower gift was enough, then to be told that I needed to send a hundred dollars, and finally that I was being coerced into giving anything at all. Gifts should be from the heart, in my opinion, and had I been more up to date on weddings, I would surely have brought a card. But $100? We don't drink and didn't hit the bar, we didn't eat more than one plate of food, we have never been close to the bride, and the groom was a total stranger. We went as moral support to my brother in law, who by the way, didn't even get a special dance with his step-daughter even though he paid for a lot of the wedding expenses. He had to get in line at the honeymoon money dance. But that's another story. Am I cheap as well as out of touch? Should I send a thank you note (which I was planning to do anyway) but now put money with it? Of course my brother in law has said not to let on that he said anything to me. Please set me straight.
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Aug 16, 2005, 10:46 AM
Post #2 of 2
(1418 views)
Re: [mrsem] shower gift or wedding gift ?
[In reply to]
Dear Strong Armed,
No, you are not out of touch. Or, maybe you are...a bit. You haven't noticed how much so many of these events have become a matter of greed. It is crazy. Some even think that it is appropriate to register for their guests to pay for their weddings just because someone says that it is. There are companies that set it up, so of course there is a motive for them to promote it. It is just so much greed. And, I'm sorry that it had to hit you in the face.
I suppose in their family it is common to give money. It is common in some regions also. It isn't where I live and it isn't common in any of the weddings I have attended. But, whether it is common for these people or not, asking or expecting anything is greedy and ill-mannered.
The most traditional thought on wedding gifts is that it is expected for the guest to give something to the couple even if you have given something at the shower. However, I am one of the growing number of etiquette writers who agree with you. Gifts should be from the heart.
A wedding is an event we plan for ourselves, it is a matter of love, not a plea for gifts--or at least it should be. Most of our lovely brides know this and plan their event around those they wish to share their day.
The dance for money is distasteful in our time. So many are still including it, but many more realize that times have changed and it is just not appropriate. And, this was called a 'honeymoon dance'? I'm sure it is common in some areas, but these things are just about cash and not polite behavior. If we think about this logically, why would people pay a couple to get married and go on a trip?
There is nothing wrong with you. If you want to give, do. If you don't want to, resist.
shower gift or wedding gift ?
