Inviting Guests to Wedding Who have Conflicting Beliefs?
Hi,
My fiance and I are just starting to plan our wedding, however, we have already run into a major roadblock. We are both very open minded and tolerant, and we have been happily planning along, intending to invite all of our closest friends, many of whom are of different religions, ethnicities and sexual orientations.
My parents' closest friends, whom they have been friends with for decades and who have watched me grow up throughout my whole life are, at best, so conservative as to be reactionary (we are all from a very small Southern town - I left), or at worst outright racist and bigoted. (There is one particular couple that is quite vocal about their world view, and doesn't hesitate to tell you whether you asked or not).
Originally I did not want to invite my parents friends at all, however, my mother is insisting that they have been always been a part of my life and they will be really hurt if they are not invited. Also, even though I no longer live in this town, my parents do and they have to see these people all the time. I know it would make things awkward.
At this point I am torn between my loyalty to our friends, who will almost certainly be offended at some point by someone in the "parent's" group (simply showing up with a same sex partner or as part of an interracial couple would be enough to start an issue), but these folks truly are our friends - people we want to spend time with, people we care about, people who have been there for us and most importantly people who we believe deserve the same respect as any one else. But then er ahve this obligation to include the family friends (and no small amount of pressure from my mom).
At this point we are just about ready to go to the courthouse and forget it all. Any advice you could offer would be MUCH appreciated! Thanks so much!
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Jun 29, 2009, 11:48 AM)
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Post #2 of 4
(208 views)
Re: Inviting Guests to Wdding Who have Conflicting Beliefs?
[In reply to]
Dear Jses,
This is a difficult situation and unfortunately a common one. I truly feel for you.
As I see it you have a few options. You could inform your mother that the only way you would consider inviting her friends is if she can ensure that they won't insult any of your other guests, because as hosts we don't invite anyone who would insult others. This is logical and respectful. Hopefully she couldn't argue with it.
Of course we all know that promises don't necessarily mean results and your mother or anyone else can't really be counted on to control or police other's behavior. So, another option could be to inform your mother that you care about all of your guests and their feelings--mentioning references of your mom's friends behaviors as a negative. And, because you want everyone to feel comfortable, as any good host would, you are keeping the guest list very tight to only invite those you feel would be kind and respectful to each other. This is also logical and respectful. Hopefully this would be a viable option for you.
Other than that, since it is your wedding, you could put your foot down and remind her that you two invite those closest to you, not those who are closest to them. This is not the nicest option though and hopefully you won't have to go there.
One noted problem though: if your parents are paying for your wedding, they may want to invite their closest friends and it is best to allow it. This isn't to say that it is right, as all contributions are considered gifts these days. But, it is most polite to offer them part of the guests list if they are major contributors.
Re: Inviting Guests to Wdding Who have Conflicting Beliefs?
[In reply to]
Hello,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply! I wanted to write back, because you hit upon one element that I forgot to mention - my parents do want to pay for some things as a "gift" to us. We could probably pay for it ourselves, but again this is a situation where it would hurt them to refuse their hospitality. But it does also make her feel entitled to invite guests, and as she says "this is how it's always done." Now, that is probably true, but even if times had not changed so much, the issue of some of their friends' behavior would still remain in my mind.
The other issue that I just kind of touched on is that a lot of these people really have known me a long time, and therefore they feel that they are "close" to me, even if I don't regard them the same way. I know that they would feel hurt by me if not invited, and would almost certainly reflect that back on my parents, since they do see them (parents) all the time. Maybe it seems like I am making too big of a deal out of this, but maybe it's also a Southern thing.
Two things I'm wrestling with - one, is it ever appropriate to announce the wedding with some kind of wording saying that it will be held in the spirit of acceptance and tolerance, and we ask people to attend in that spirit? I know that seems awkward, but it's one idea I had. We've also thought of changing to a destination wedding (it's early days), in order to keep the guest list really small, and then possibly having some kind of "celebration" back in the home town, but I'm concerned that that would be perceived as tacky, or wanting attention. In your opinion, is that kind of thing appropriate these days?
Sorry to bother you again, but I so appreciate your advice. Again, thank you so much!
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Post #4 of 4
(172 views)
Re: Inviting Guests to Wedding Who have Conflicting Beliefs?
[In reply to]
No worries. You are not a bother.
It probably wouldn't be a great idea to word an invitation like that because your guests may wonder if the reference applies to them--as if they are "the issue" or "the problem". So, if yours is an informal affair, you could send an informally written invitation, but skip any reference to being open minded or tolerant.
There is nothing wrong with hosting a small wedding and then a bigger reception at home. This is done quite often. So, that is an option as well.
Inviting Guests to Wedding Who have Conflicting Beliefs?
