I spent over an hour looking, and didn’t find this question, so I hope I haven’t duplicated anything.
My 31-year-old daughter is working on her wedding invitation, and, because her 86-year-old grandfather (my father) is paying for the wedding, she is not including my name nor her late father’s name in the invitation wording, and I was pretty shocked to hear that. I am making her gown, helping to design the other gowns, and have done lots of support things (like researching fabrics, getting swatches, locating things like bags for favors, etc.)
My husband died in an accident when my daughter was five. She put herself through medical school with grants and loans, and will graduate as a doctor the day before her wedding.
My financial situation at present is tenuous, which is why I cannot pay for her wedding. Most of my assistance to her has been in the form of advice with different wedding questions, as well as, of course, making the wedding dress and accessories via long distance, as we live on different coasts. We have not worked out the final arrangement of who will pay for all the fabric for the gown and accessories, although I am certainly paying for some, as well as contributing many hours of work, and so I feel that this is a financial contribution, and in my current circumstances, it is a major one for me. And while I have no financial cushion at the moment, I am not a “bum”, LOL! I am, in fact, a respectable member of the community, am a public speaker, and a published author.
When I married my daughter’s father, we didn’t use wedding invitations. But I was married (briefly) before that, and I remember including my fiance’s parent’s names in the invitation (i.e., “Mr. and Mrs. Bride’s Parents and Mr. and Mrs. Groom’s Parents invite you to celebrate the marriage of their children,”). The groom’s parents were not paying for the wedding either, but we felt they were entitled to be part of the invitation since they had raised him, and we wanted to make every effort to have everyone involved feel included. This was in 1974, maybe the rules of etiquette were different then, I know lots of things changed with wedding etiquette after the revolutionary 60’s!
My daughter says she has done research on this wording, and that all her research indicates that the invitation is issued only from the person who is paying for the event. I don’t think she deliberately wants to be mean, but I think she is trying to follow the letter of the law of etiquette. My mother is deceased, so my daughter’s proposed invitation reads that it is from her grandfather only. (When my daughter first began to plan the wedding, she expected to pay for it herself. When she realized how expensive it was, she asked me to intervene to ask my dad if he would pay for it, which I did, successfully.)
Being purposefully excluded from participating in extending the invitation feels to me like a public humiliation, that my contributions to the wedding are being devalued, and I feel embarrassed to have to face all the guests, as if I have contributed nothing to my daughter’s wedding. (And while I wish my daughter wanted to include her father’s name, I doubt that it will hurt his feelings either way, lol. He died young, long before he expected to, and did not leave her a financial legacy, although he left her many intrinsic legacies, which are certainly very valuable in their own rights.)
What I thought would be correct, as well as kind, would be to issue the invitation from both my dad and myself, and to mention her father’s name under hers. (She wants her half-siblings, his three other children, to attend this small wedding of less than 50 people, and I think it honors their relationship with her to list him, as well.)
Are the rules of etiquette so different now? Am I missing something?
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Feb 19, 2009, 6:39 PM)
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Post #2 of 6
(835 views)
Re: Father deceased, GFOB paying, MOB sad to be absent from invitation wording
[In reply to]
Dear Artmom,
Things aren't so different from earlier days. In the past, parents, primarily the bride's parents, were considered the hosts and usually paid for the wedding. This is why their names were listed as host because they were inviting their guests to witness their daughter's wedding. This is not the case today. Today's couples are expected to pay their own way.
While it isn't necessary to list anyone as host these days, it is polite to do so. Your daughter is listing her grandfather as hers. She could have mentioned all of the parents as well. But, all of you would have been mentioned under her and his name. Frankly, it seems that you are contributing quite a bit and could have been considered one of the hosts. But, it really isn't that important. Most likely you wouldn't be playing that part at the wedding. Your daughter and her fiance most likely would be playing the part of hosts.
Please don't feel embarrassed. I really doubt that anyone will think that you didn't assist your daughter. Just be supportive of her and others will see it.
Re: Father deceased, GFOB paying, MOB sad to be absent from invitation wording
[In reply to]
Thank you for your prompt reply -it is always good to hear a reasoned assessment from an outside source!
Thanks for all you contribute to making weddings happier for everyone - i read quite a few posts and replies here, and you all have great answers!
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Post #4 of 6
(830 views)
Re: Father deceased, GFOB paying, MOB sad to be absent from invitation wording
[In reply to]
Thank you! I feel very privileged to have been able to help. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Post #5 of 6
(822 views)
Re: Father deceased, GFOB paying, MOB sad to be absent from invitation wording
[In reply to]
I agree with rebecca. After all, the only two people who matter in this scenario are you and your daughter. As long as you are both happy (and, with a mom who does so much for her, I would bet your daughter is beyond happy) then that's what's important. And, anyone who knows you, knows your story and what kind of mother you are.
Relax and enjoy the wedding. it goes by in a blink of an eye - just ike all of the children's major milestones! Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Artmom
Post #6 of 6
(819 views)
Re: Father deceased, GFOB paying, MOB sad to be absent from invitation wording
[In reply to]
MOB sad to be absent from invitation wording
