I am the MOB; wedding is 5 weeks from today. Due to limited space at the reception site, the bride and groom had to cut their guest list way down prior to invitations being sent. They eliminated many of their friends from the guest list and also decided not to invite children (other than the 5 who are participating in the ceremony). We received an RSVP card from the groom's cousin indicating that she planned to bring her 3 children (all under age 10) that the groom hardly even knows because this family lives halfway across the continent. I consulted your website for advice, which indicated that the groom and his parents should let the cousin know that the children were not invited.
The groom's parents were extremely upset by the situation so after I talked with the bride and groom, we decided to suggest a compromise: despite etiquette rules to the contrary, we would offer to let the 3 children attend the wedding (the space limitation applies only to the reception site, not to the church) and then arrange a babysitter for them during the reception. As an olive branch, we even offered to let the oldest child hand out wedding programs prior to the ceremony. Now, the groom's cousin (the children's mother) and her mother (the groom's aunt) have decided that they will never speak to the groom again if the children aren't allowed to attend BOTH the wedding AND the reception.
In an effort to keep the peace in the groom's family, would it be acceptable for me and my husband to deflect his cousin's and aunt's anger onto us? We'd like to send them a nice note saying that it's our fault that the children weren't invited so please don't be angry at the groom. We would stand our ground about not having the kids at the reception, again nicely telling them that we are, unfortunately, anticipating more guests than the reception site can accomodate and assuring them that the babysitter we find during that time will be very competent. In our note, we would encourage them to bring the children to our town (where the wedding will be) because there are many fun activities here for kids; they can have a great time together all weekend, just being apart for the 1-2 hours that the cousin spends at the reception. What do you think about the idea of us sending this note? We don't mind accepting blame that isn't ours if it will make this mess go away. I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer; will be undergoing a double mastectomy 3 weeks prior to the wedding, and I don't need this stress.
Thanks for your prompt advice.
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Post #2 of 6
(1196 views)
Re: RSVP shows uninvited children coming
[In reply to]
Dear Ajh,
Oh, I am so sorry about your health issues (big time) and wish none of this wasn't happening to you.
Although it is a very generous offer to offer yourself up as the sacrificial lamb, I don't think it is a good idea for you to be involved at all. This is an issue for the groom and his parents to solve. If you sent the note, the groom's parents might have an issue with you two, which could open up another huge can of worms. So, it might be best for your daughter to speak to her groom and ask him to take care of it through his parents.
It sure would be nice if those family members read this forum. Maybe they might reconsider their childlike, tantrum throwing behavior.
Re: RSVP shows uninvited children coming
[In reply to]
I couldn't have said it better. These people really need to get over themselves.
You've been more than generous by providing the couple with alternatives and options.
Parent's have got to learn that their children aren't always going to be welcomed to adult social events - and they shouldn't. Your daughter and her groom have every right to host an adult only wedding. If these parents don't want to attend without their children, that is certainly their perogative.
I agree with Rebecca. Leave this in the groom's hands. He should be fielding the issues with his own family.
Please just concentrate on getting well and enjoying the thrill of being the mother of the bride!
God bless you, Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
RevSusanna
Interfaith Wedding Minister
Post #4 of 6
(1179 views)
Re: RSVP shows uninvited children coming
[In reply to]
The consensus here is unanimous. The groom's relatives are being unreasonable! You have gone beyond normal decorum to accommodate the children. In fact, you are being kind and generous. It is the groom's place to deal with his family when they make unreasonable demands. You need to concentrate on your health---physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Shield yourself from this negativity. So often, we mothers sacrifice ourselves for our children. This is not the time.
We pray for you mother-of-the-bride. May God guide the surgeon's skilled hands. May you be restored to perfect health. May angels minister to your every need.
Re: RSVP shows uninvited children coming
[In reply to]
You ladies are amazing! I cannot thank you enough for your caring support and your good advice. We have talked to the groom and we're hoping that he can resolve this problem with his family so that we can focus on the joy of the marriage. He, by the way, is a wonderful man and we could not be happier about having him join our family. Your website has been an invaluable resource to me at every stage of planning this wedding. Thanks for all the help you give to me and to so many others. Keep up the good work!
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Post #6 of 6
(1154 views)
Re: RSVP shows uninvited children coming
[In reply to]
Sounds like you have everything in hand. Please keep us posted.
Best of health, Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
RSVP shows uninvited children coming
