This is a delicate situation and I appreciate any advice.
My mother had me very young and did not marry until I was 12. The man she married was verbally abusive, hyper-critical and generally unpleasant to me until I was kicked out of the house at 18 for sleeping with my fiance.
When I was 18, there was a huge altercation between my then-boyfriend (current fiance) and my mother and step-father. Ultimately, my step-father ran us off the road and threatened to kill us if he ever saw us again. My mother got a restraining order against my fiancee and I got a restraining order against my step-father.
This was 5 years ago. My mother and I have undergone extensive therapy, and are on speaking terms. I have been with my man since then and have decided that we are at a good place in our lives to wed. There is still a lot of bad blood between everyone, but in a gesture of rebuilding, we would like to invite my mother and my 3 young half siblings to the wedding, but not my step-father.
I know that this is a huge etiquette Faux Pas, but, neither my fiance not I feel safe around him. My mother is livid and this topic is threatening to tear my family apart (again).
I AM marring this man regardless of who attends. Considering our history, am I being unreasonable in limiting my step-father's attendance?
Are you certain you want to post all of this personal infomration online? Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Yes, this is fairly specific. But, I can advise you that even in the etiquette world, abusive people can be omitted from the guest list. It doesn't matter if he is your stepfather. Your mother has a choice now. It isn't your fault if she decides not to attend. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
(This post was
edited by Etiquette Now on Jul 20, 2009, 5:20 PM)
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
I completely agree with Rebecca. You are not obligated to invite an abusive or threatening person to your wedding, or even obligated to have them in your life. I know this will be hard for your Mom and you don't want to lose the ground you've gained with her, but if she chooses to see things differently then this is her choice. It will not be your fault for dividing the family. Perhaps you can talk with her and remind her why he is not invited and that it has nothing to do with her. Regardless of how other's see this or the pressur you might be under, you have to do what is right for you. Even if she also doesn't attend the wedding, you can each out to her to keep working on your relationship. She will undoubtedly want that as much as you do but may feel very torn and even intimidated to do anything else other than not attend, if your stepfather is not invited.
Do what you have to do, don't blame your mother for her choices but also don't make your own depending on what she says she needs or expects from you. Give it some time and room and then perhaps you can continue rebuilding the relationship later on. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
Step-father not invited
