I am sorry if this topic has been discussed, but mine may be a unique situation. I want to ask my girlfriend's father's permission/blessing to marry his daughter, but he lives out of state. In fact, I have never even spoken to him before. We are not kids by any means, 30 years old, but I like the tradition and I feel it is the respectful thing to do.
He knows who I am, and my girlfriend gives him updates on how I am doing, but he has not come to visit her since we have started dating (we have been dating for more than one year) and I have not spoken to him on the phone.
He is a traditional man, so I have a feeling he will appreciate the geusture. My question is what is the best way to do it? Should I do it over the phone ... by letter ... video myself on a DVD? I have no real clue, and flying to meet in person is not feasible.
The rest of my girlfriend's family is local and I plan on asking for her Mother's blessing as well out of respect. We have a great relationship and I plan on doing that in person.
Any advice would be much appreciated!
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Post #2 of 6
(461 views)
Re: Asking Permission/Blessing to Marry Advice!
[In reply to]
Dear Nodnarb,
Consider the tradition for a moment. Women used to live at home in "Daddy's" house until she wed a man who took her to live in his home. Dad was expected to "give" her away to someone he approved of. Is this the tradition you feel is worthy of the lady you love? It really is disrespectful to women if you think of it. I just may be one of the very few who feels this way though.
However, we do advise not to ask or permission for another reason. There is a possibility that her dad won't agree. This would put everyone in a difficult position. So, it is your choice to ask.
If you do ask, it would be best to do this as if you are there. So, your idea of a video is a good one. Of course, the better idea would be to send a video of you two announcing your engagement.
Re: Asking Permission/Blessing to Marry Advice!
[In reply to]
I agree with Rebecca, however, I would like to suggest an old fashioned tradition of stating your intentions. This can be done by letter, just letting her dad know how much you love his daughter, what you love about her and how you intend to care for her forever. Something like that could be a nice gesture without asking for permission, which could be tricky, as Rebecca stated. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on May 7, 2009, 6:41 PM)
nodnarb
Post #4 of 6
(450 views)
Re: Asking Permission/Blessing to Marry Advice!
[In reply to]
Wow, those were not the responses I was expecting! I know my girlfriend would like me to ask for her father's blessing/permission. She thinks it is romantic, classy, and traditional - as do I.
To me, it has nothing to do with the father owning the daughter or anything sexist whatsoever. To me, it is just like the other traditions such as the bride wearing a white wedding dress (which I believe started with representing wealth and evolved into representing virginity or virtue, even though I would imagine that a lot of brides are not virgins) or the tradition of cutting the cake together (which I believe started as representing the woman's upcoming loss of virginity when the bride used to cut the cake on her own).
Both of those traditions could be seen as sexist as well, but we still follow them out of tradition.
I simply want to honor what I believe is my girlfriend's wishes, and what I think her father will appreciate and respect. Not to mention, it is what I think is respectful and appropriate - out of tradition.
I do appreciate the ideas of a letter, and am glad to hear that a video will be a potential idea. All I am asking is that assuming you agree that asking permission is appropriate, how should I go about doing it in my position. Thank you again for your comments.
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Post #5 of 6
(446 views)
Re: Asking Permission/Blessing to Marry Advice!
[In reply to]
What will you do if he says no? Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Post #6 of 6
(440 views)
Re: Asking Permission/Blessing to Marry Advice!
[In reply to]
As I said, the video would be a good choice if you do ask permission. You could be on the phone at the time of the viewing as well. But, it isn't a great idea to ask. I haven't read one etiquette expert that states that asking permission is still a viable tradition and everyone I have read advises against it. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Asking Permission/Blessing to Marry Advice!
