Brother's Fiancée doesn't want me to get married in the same year
Hello,
I was saddened to have my brother tell me that he and his fiancée feel it is innappropriate for my fiance and I to get married in the same year due to her "superstitions". I have been with my fiance for almost 5yrs. He is 40, and I am 34 and we do not want to wait to have children. So, I suggested we plan for April-May, 4-5 months ahead of their September wedding. Am I in the wrong? Is it too much on their part to dictate what year we get married in? I am sooo upset since we just got engaged 3 days ago.
Thank you for your honest opinion.
kiki4
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Apr 28, 2009, 2:23 PM)
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Post #2 of 13
(326 views)
Re: Brother's Fiancée doesn't want me to get married in the same year
[In reply to]
Unless we're talking weeks, it seems a bit silly. But, perhaps they got engaged before you and they just want to be married first. Who knows? Talk this out with your bother and maybe the four of you can come up with a plan that makes everyone happy. But, in the end, as long as you're not inconveniencing your guests by making them travel just weeks apart, I'd say they have to get over it.
Sometimes it's hard to give an opinion on these things since there's always two sides to every story and usually lots of detail we just don;t have the time or space to include.
Congratulations on your engagement. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Kiki4
Post #3 of 13
(323 views)
Re: Brother's Fiancée doesn't want me to get married in the same year
[In reply to]
Thank you
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Post #4 of 13
(319 views)
Re: Brother's Fiancée doesn't want me to get married in the same year
[In reply to]
I agree. There really is no reason why you shouldn't get married in the same year. There is no superstition I know of about that. It seems very silly to me. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Kiki4
Post #5 of 13
(312 views)
Re: Brother's Fiancée doesn't want me to get married in the same year
[In reply to]
I appriciate your honesty. I also respect her beliefs but feel they are leaving no room for our happiness. I fear our discussion is only going to leave resentment between us four and our families, and I also believe that they will only be satisfied if I give in.
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Post #6 of 13
(307 views)
Re: Brother's Fiancée doesn't want me to get married in the same year
[In reply to]
Sounds like her problem, not yours. You don;t share the same "beliefs" and you have every right to be married when you like. There is no etiquette that states you can't. But, try letting them know that, while you respect their beliefs, you don't share them, and want to go ahead with your wedding, giving them your states reasons. Maybe explain that you'll try to make as much time between the events as possible. I think that's all you can do, other than bowing to their desires and waiting until the following year.
Good luck. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Kiki4
Post #7 of 13
(291 views)
Re: Brother's Fiancée doesn't want me to get married in the same year
[In reply to]
Unfortunately, after some tears and many hours on the phone, we have not come to a resolution. My sister-in-law and her family are not budging on being married in the same year and so now my brother is stuck in the middle. He is now considering moving up his wedding to this September, which I feel is not something he should feel he should do, if we are set on May of 2010. This will leave me with resentment towards her and her family, and myself with a guilty conscious that I forced the issue. It is beyond me why they feel that they can pressure us to do this. I feel I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I give up.
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
/ Moderator
Post #8 of 13
(286 views)
Re: Brother's Fiancée doesn't want me to get married in the same year
[In reply to]
I'm sorry you have to go through this but there isn't much more we can do here, except allow you to vent. If she doesn't want to get married in the same year, and you don't want to change your date, they'll have to change their date. After all, she is the one who has the problem with the date.
Perhaps seek counseling with a family clergy person of counselor?
Wish I could offer more help. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Post #9 of 13
(283 views)
Re: Brother's Fiancée doesn't want me to get married in the same year
[In reply to]
I agree. Also, you or someone close could suggest that she read an etiquette book. She will find that her insistence on this is impolite and unreasonable. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
RevSusanna
Interfaith Wedding Minister
Post #10 of 13
(277 views)
Re: Brother's Fiancée doesn't want me to get married in the same year
[In reply to]
We can not control what people will do, we can only control how we respond. It is difficult to "figure out" why people behave irrationally.
Perhaps your last option is to write a soulful, heartfelt letter explaining your feelings---and mail it to BOTH your brother and sister-in-law. Be careful not to sound accusatory or blaming or judgmental. Just explain your position in a loving and honest manner. Then let go. If they want to move their date, in my opinion, let them. That is their choice. As the forum moderator said, they are the ones who have the issue with the dates, not you. The etiquette expert has confirmed that there is nothing remiss in what you are doing.
DO weigh the consequences, however. They might hold this against you. However, as you have done nothing wrong or inappropriate, then it really is their issue. The question is, Can you live with that? Wishing you a peaceful resolution---and peace in your heart, Rev. Susanna Reverend Susanna Stefanachi Macomb Author of Joining Hands and Hearts, Interfaith, Intercultural Wedding Celebrations, A Practical Guide for Couples
(This post was
edited by RevSusanna on Apr 30, 2009, 9:20 PM)
Kiki4
Post #11 of 13
(268 views)
Re: Brother's Fiancée doesn't want me to get married in the same year
[In reply to]
Hello,
Thank you to you all for taking the time to respond. And although no resolution has been made I have to believe that the end results will be favorable for us all. I love my family and will not contribute to its downfall. My fiancé are trying to make a December 2009 wedding possible. Thank you again for all your help, I truly appreciate it.
RevSusanna
Interfaith Wedding Minister
Post #12 of 13
(255 views)
Re: Brother's Fiancée doesn't want me to get married in the same year
[In reply to]
I believe that your brother will appreciate that more than you know.
May your wedding be blessed and joyous in every way!
Re: Brother's Fiancée doesn't want me to get married in the same year
[In reply to]
Your generosity is refreshing. Your brother is a lucky man to have such a wonderful, caring sister. I hope others can learn from you. I believe you will be rewarded for your kindness. I hope all of this works out for the family and that everyone enjoys both weddings. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Aug 5, 2009, 8:44 AM)
Brother's Fiancée doesn't want me to get married in the same year
