Sorry for the lengthy post but this seems like a complex situation (although I'm sure everyone feels that way)! My fiance and I originally wanted around 100-120 people, only friends, family, and close coworkers. We compiled a guest list and my fiance's mother announced that she had a list as well so we sat down to compare. The vast majority of the people on her list were also on ours but several weren't. We have agreed to add quite a few people that were on her list (we know them but not very well) but she keeps on pushing us to add more people, two we have never met and two we've met once or twice and certainly don't know well. She feels that she has a right to add the people she wants to as her son is getting married and there are people she wants to share that with. (My parents, on the other hand, have not asked us to add one single guest and they are playing for virtually the whole thing! My fiance's family has agreed to cover the cost of the church fee and my bouquet, certainly nothing that will be affected by the number of guests attending). We are also sending out close to 200 invitations, even though we know for a fact that virtually no one on my side of the family (aunts, uncles, cousins) will be attending (they are all unable to travel from my hometown and have already told us although we will send invitations anyway, in the unlikely event that their financial situation changes over the next few months).
My fiance told his mother that we are not going to invite these people (and it ended up in a fight) but now it seems that she's trying to get around him by going to me instead. She feels that since some of the people on "her" side have said they cannot come, she can invite whoever she wants in their place. I have tried to be tactful and explained that we're trying to keep the numbers down (especially since my father may be retiring later in the year) and will have to see where we stand once the RSVPs start to come back - a lot of people will need to travel so we'll be sending them out early. If a lot of people don't come, bringing us down to near the numbers we want, then we'll see about adding them as there will still be time to send invitations without it seeming last minute and since we've already committed to a certain number of people with our caterer. I thought the matter was closed until she sent me an email, updating me on the people that won't be attending and asking again about inviting the others. I essentially repeated my answer to her but she replied, arguing that she is replacing the guests who can't come with a fewer number of people and therefore it balances out.
At this point, I'm beginning to feel quite angry that she is not listening to us and that she feels that she has the "right" to invite people even though we have already (on more than one occasion) expressed our wishes for our wedding guests to be people we know and who are a part of our lives. Am I being unreasonable here or should I continue to stand my ground? I'm afraid that if I/we cave, it'll set the tone for our entire marriage as she has a habit of getting people to agree with her by continuing to bring things up. My fiance is supportive of me but tends to do anything he can to avoid confrontation with his mother. I really would appreciate any advice you can give me in this situation! Thanks in advance.
(This post was
edited by brit_bride on Jan 9, 2009, 7:30 PM)
Have your groom speak to his mother, asking her to come to him, if she has issue with your plans. He should probably let her know that you care to only invite guests you know and with whom the two of you are close. He should calmly, yet firmly explain to his mother that the guest list has been finalized. I would simply make a guest list of those you'd like there with you as you exchange your vows, and any guests who attend, great. Don't try to fill up spots from guests who have declined. Unless, of course, you must do that to ensure your venue.
This is just my opinion though. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
I agree that it is best to stand firm with your finance doing all the heavy lifting here. He could also suggest that she check with an etiquette book, which would confirm that you two decide who is invited. And, he could also remind her that you two and your parents were very generous to offer her any part of the guest list. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Guest List Demands from FMIL
