My daughter asked me to help her plan her wedding. She told me what she and her fiance were looking for in a location and asked me to help her find a place. After much searching, I found a place which both she and the groom loved, so we booked it. Later the groom took his parents to see it. They liked it but deeply expressed their desire to have the wedding at their home. They said they "already had it all planned out," and started pointing out faults with the location the couple had booked. Suddenly, the groom no longer liked the location and insisted on his parents' home for their wedding location. My daughter argued with him, but eventually gave in. The groom's parents have made it clear that they want to plan the wedding, the reception, and the rehearsal dinner, and the groom has talked my daughter into letting them do so. They have shot down all decisions my daughter has made. I tried to explain to her that this is her wedding, not theirs, but she is a people pleaser and doesn't want to upset them. And I have basically been asked to take a back seat. When I say that I want to participate, their excuse is that the MOG doesn't have a daughter, and that is why she wants to plan my daughter's wedding. But I don't believe that I should be expected to give up this special time with my daughter and I would like to help her create the wedding of her dreams. My emotions are now getting in the way and I don't know how to respond to this situation. I keep telling myself that this is not about me, it is her choice. And she chose to let them do things their way. But I have completely lost all excitement for my daughter, which I know is just depressing her. I try to put on a fake smile when she talks about the upcoming wedding, but I just can't do it. I don't feel I can attend the wedding and keep my sadness hidden. My daughter and I have always had an excellent mother-daughter relationship, and this is killing me.
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Post #2 of 2
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Re: Help! I don't want to ruin my daughter's wedding.
[In reply to]
This is especially tough for you because you have such a close relationship with her and I believe you're hurting because she's hurting. But you also pointed out that it is her choice to stand up to this or to allow it. Personally, I think this will make it more difficult for her to take a position on things later where her in-laws are concerned, but ultimately it is her choice. Perhaps she is doing this because she respects the fact that her fiance is in a tough spot and is being pressured so much by his parents.
If you haven't shared with her your honest thoughts on the subject, perhaps you can ask her if this would be okay and then share with her your thoughts. Perhaps even let her know that you'll stand behind her should she decide to take a bit of a stand around these issues. But then once you've had your say, let her know that even if she proceeds with the plans as her in-laws have laid out, as much as you would like it to be different and more reflective of her wishes, that you will support her decisions no matter what. And then get on with helping her in whatever capacity she needs you because this is what you have in your control. Think of it this way. You are treating her like an adult who is making her own choices and she will learn from them. It could be better, but it is what it is and it doesn't mean she can't enjoy her wedding. If you openly continue to show her your sadness and disappointment it will only put her in a situation where she feels even more distressed because on top of everything else, she will know that she is also disappointing you and I know you don't want to do that.
You can let her know what you think and feel and what you want for her but then leave it at that and get on with helping her in the capacity you can. Let her know she will always have your support no matter what her choices are, (even if you disagree) and that will bring a sense of relief to her like you can't even imagine. Without that stress, and knowing she has your support, then she may even find the strength to assert some of what she wants this wedding to look like.
Let's face it, this is disappointing, but it doesn't have to be the end of the world. She needs your support and your strength because over time she will need to know she has someone in her corner so she can face similar challenges in married life with her in-laws.
Best of luck in what is undoubtedly a challenging situation for both of you. Be the caring, loving and supportive mom that you've always been and she will draw from that strength. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
(This post was
edited by yvonne"instep" on Jan 29, 2009, 9:50 PM)
Help! I don't want to ruin my daughter's wedding.
