I have a major dilemma. My wedding is scheduled for October 21 of this year and has been set for over a year. Last March my soon to be mother-in-law was re-diagnosed with terminal cancer, after already going through treatment and having a stroke. When we originally got this diagnosis, we asked if we should change the date, but she was adament that we not change anything for her. My fiance is a mama's boy, so anything she says goes. She has since kept that date as a personal goal to stay healthy enough for the wedding. She is beginning a new round of chemo and apparently now is not expected to make it until October. You never really know with cancer, but now we face the decision again on whether or not to move the date. His dad wants us to move it to June or July. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. If we change the date, there's always the possibility that she may not make it then, and we'll also be catering to someone else instead of making the wedding about us. If we don't and we lose her before the wedding, I feel as though we may regret it and never forgive ourselves. I know she will never agree to changing the date and probably see it as an insult. We even discussed having a small family-only ceremony in the spring or summer and keeping the fall date for the big "wedding," but the more I think of it, I don't want a fake or quickie wedding because the real one won't mean as much or have that element of surprise. It's hard to even bring up the subject with my fiance, because it's also about coping with his mother's illness for him. I feel as though I don't have as much of a say because it's his mom. I'm so confused, frustrated, sad, angry, all at once - at a time when I should be the happiest. Any ideas on how to cope with this??
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Feb 7, 2006, 1:38 PM
Post #2 of 3
(578 views)
Re: [KristiD1023] Illness in the Family - Do we change the date?
[In reply to]
Dear Illness,
If you were to have a 'quickie' wedding, it would still be a wedding and you could not get married again without a divorce in between. You would be having a vow renewal--no dress, no dad escorting you. So, choose wisely.
Many face this issue everyday. It isn't pretty, but it is what happens in life. The easy question is, what is most important? Do you want to have a ceremony with his mother in attendance or do you want to have a ceremony later without her? Terminal means that she won't be around forever.
If you are worried about her taking a change of date poorly, then tell her that it is your decision to change the date.
This really isn't so difficult. Focus on what is really important. If sticking to a date is more important to you and not, "catering to someone else instead of making the wedding about us," then that is your focus.
Planning a wedding for June doesn't mean giving up everything, except perhaps your venue. Many plan very nice events in even less time and not much money.
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Feb 8, 2006, 12:19 PM
Post #3 of 3
(569 views)
Re: [KristiD1023] Illness in the Family - Do we change the date?
[In reply to]
I think you have received some very good advice already, so I'll just add a little piece. It is important to focus on what's most important and I would suggest talking with your fiance and simply asking him what he would like to do, as this is his mother and the event with or without her there, will be very weighted for him. He's also going through the tremendous stress of knowing he will be losing his mother, so it must be difficult for him to be enjoying the anticipation of his wedding at this time as well. There's no doubt that this is terribly unfortunate and difficult for both of you, but I believe if you talk it over openly and honestly, you will have your answer.
If you do agree to move the date up, then let his mother know that this is your decision as a couple. Don't ask her to make this decision for you as it puts her in a terrible position and having asked, you will then be obligated to take her lead again. Make your decision and carry through. And try not to think about this as "catering" to someone else; I think that word applies more in the hundreds of other situations we hear about, where extended family members want the couple to do things their way, usually in regards to issues such as who to invite, choice of dresses, and other such details. If you change the date, it isn't catering to his mother, it's making a decision that fits for the individuals involved under some very extenuating circumstances. I wish you the best. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
Illness in the Family - Do we change the date?
