We both wanted a small wedding. We started out with a wedding guest list of 100 people. It then grew to 120, and then once my fiance's parents added their guests it became 150 and we assumed this was the final list. We are planning on mailing out all of our invitations this weekend and then his side of the family emailed me additional guests that we were told to add (some are people my fiance doesn't even know and others are people that his parents haven't worked with in years but now want to invite). The guest list is now 200 people. No longer a small wedding. Out of this list of 200, 11 people are mutual friends, 60 people are my side of the guest list and the remaining are his side of the family. His parents have decided that they are now going to be paying for the reception so I guess they feel like they are entitled to invite whomever they would like. I am upset because they never asked my fiance and I if we would prefer a small wedding or a larger wedding. They never asked if it was ok to invite all of these people we don't know. I am very upset.
My fiance and I feel blindsided. We don't know what to do. His family has already told the newest list of guests that they were going to be invited so my fiance and I feel bad asking them to trim down the list. We want to just let it go, but at the same time, we are afraid if we don't confront them now this controlling nature will continue throughout our married lives.
Should we confront his family about how they have taken over the wedding? Even if they are paying for the reception, do they get to control how many people are there? We are getting married in 8 weeks, so my fiance and I feel that the wedding is too close to bring up any bad feelings and to make these changes. I love my fiance's family very much so I don't want there to be any bad feelings. I'm very conflicted..
Please help, because this is no longer the small intimate wedding of my dreams. I've actually tried to convince my fiance to elope so that we don't have to worry about this anymore. Thanks for your guidance, I need it!
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Jul 24, 2009, 8:27 AM)
TWQadmin
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Post #2 of 3
(348 views)
Re: In-Laws want to control wedding guest list
[In reply to]
You haven't mentioned what part your groom is playing in all of this. He really should be communicating with his family and this communication should have begun when you started to plan the wedding, whether they were paying or not. But, since we can't go back, let's see if we can address your issues.
First thing to do, as I see it, is to change the word confront to something more positive like contact, discuss, communicate, etc. Putting the in-laws on the defensive won't be a good start. Explain your feelings and perhaps apologize for not making your feelings clear earlier. (Thuis doesn't mean it all your fault - it's just a good way of approaching it more positively) That way your in-laws won't feel "blindsided" either. Then ask them to contact the people they invited by word of mouth to apologize for inviting them since they didn't realize the couple had a guest list limit. I'm sure they can come up with a decent way of explaing to their friends they really had no business inviting.
Note: These days parents are no longer obligated to host a wedding for their children. It's nice when they can, especially in light of our current economic struggles, but they aren't obligated. It is very generous of your in-laws to offer to pay for the reception, so be sure to thank them profusely, but at the same time be sure they understand your vision for the event. If you simply cannot come to terms together then maybe you and your groom should politely decline their generous offer and pay for the reception yourselves. Then you'll have all of the control. But, at this late date, I don't know if that is good for the pocketbook or your family relationship. I would try to have a non-confrontational meeting with the in-laws in order to come together on a mutually satisfying result.
Good luck with all of this. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Post #3 of 3
(336 views)
Re: In-Laws want to control wedding guest list
[In reply to]
Bravo for that answer! I couldn't agree more. To that I will just add that if you are taking a long view of things, if you do love your fiance's family the way you suggested and do end up deciding not to rock the boat, then don't begrudge or resent them for this - just move on. When you make a decision that is based on wanting to have good relationships with the people in your family and we often compromise for those reasons, then remind yourself when you're looking back that you made the best decision you could for everyone and celebrate what you have as a result of your union together.
Whatever choice you make is the right one for you but once the decision is made, don't look back. Move forward, recognizing that there are pros and cons for every decision in life. We're prone to looking at the cons of past decisions, but we'd be much happier if we looked forward and and looked at what we have instead of what we could have had.
Best of Luck!! Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
In-Laws want to control wedding guest list
