This is kind of confusing...I was adopted at a very young age. I had an 'open' adoption, where either biological mother and "father" can write to me. When I turned 18, I was able to meet them. I get along great with my biological mother, we are like two slices of the same pie (literally).
My "biological father" is a different story. I am told by my birth mom that she is pretty sure that he is not my father. (Don't ask how he claims to be my father, that's a totally different story) I know I have the option of getting tested, but see either I will be devastated or he will be. He is very obsessed with me and the fact that he "is" my father. I feel that if a test proves he is my "father" that gives him an open door to be what he has dreamed of being. He calls my adopted mother (my mom) every Friday to chat. I really don't want much to do with him.
I sent him a save-the-date, and now that the date is coming very close, I am having second thoughts about really inviting him. I know it would break his heart if I didn't, but I am nervous how he will act at the wedding. I talked to my adopted dad (my dad) and asked my dad to talk to this guy about parading around saying that I am his daughter, or he is my father. My dad has no problem doing so, but this guy is very "out there." I guess my question is...Is it rude to not send him an invitation to my wedding, even after sending him the save-the-date?
Thank You!
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Actually, I think the more important question here is, "is he my father?" not whether or not he gets invited to your wedding. That's the second question after you get the first one answered. I know you're probably worried about the outcome and perhaps finding out the truth, but better now than later. If he is your father, then you can begin to wrap your head around that one because it will be a truth you will have to live with. If he isn't why drag on the illusion any longer? If he isn't your biological father, then you both deserve to know and it's an unfortunate circumstance for him if he's disappointed, but there's nothing you can do about it.
Also, remember that your bio parents made a decision a long time ago to give you up for adoption and now it's your time to decide how much you are going to involve them in your life. I don't believe you're really under any obligation to either one of them - this is your choice.
Right now you're feeling very obligated to someone who you have no idea is even your father. This goes far beyond the question of whether or not it's rude to uninvite him to the wedding. I know you don't want to hurt his feelings but as it is, you're already feeling obligated to him even without knowing if you have a real connection to him or not. Could it really be much worse for you if you do find out that you are his daugher?
I think first things need to be dealt with first here. Find out who this man is to you before proceeding with the invitation. If he isn't your Dad, it won't be easy to disapoint him but at least this will be over for you. And if he is, then you can decide to what extent you want him involved in your life. He may want a lot of involvement in your life and if you're not comfortable with that, it's your call.
Best of luck in a complex situation. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
Is he my father?
